I get a lot of CVs handed to me in my job. They range from bad to spectacularly bad. I've decided to start reviewing them. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoy weeping bitterly into my pint and ruing every decision that's led me to a point where I have to read them in the first place.
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Dear Mr. Wuen,
Thankyou for your
CV, and YES I AM WRITING A LETTER YOU STUPID FUCKING PAPERCLIP! Fuck off!
…Sorry.
Thankyou for your
CV. I was fascinated to read what appeared to be your entire autobiography, and
look forward to future instalments. I have already heard promising reviews from
“Tedious CV Monthly” and “Pointless Anecdote Digest.”
According to your
CV, you were “born and raised in Malaysia for 18 years.” Eighteen years seems
like a long time to take being born, but who am I to question? Where were you
born after Malaysia? Aren’t there laws against transporting women who are
vaginally dilated across borders? I’m pretty sure there are. I once got in a
lot of trouble for doing something along those lines, but that’s another story,
and you’ll have to read my CV to learn it. (It’s under the “arrests” section
but before “extraditions and banishments.”)
You continue:
“After finishing
my secondary education, I choose to work full time, took a gap year from my
further education taught me a lot for a better understanding of work ethic, how
the energy works in a busy atmosphere, mature behaviour and realise that there
is no free lunch exist unless your hard work paying off.”
It’s very
astute of you to notice that energy works differently in a busy bar atmosphere.
This is largely due to Newton’s Third Law of Partying Down and Farraday’s
experiments with the superconductivity of Jaegerbombs.
“Having a
residential permit and living with my British stepdad does help me a lot for
understanding local environment, eligible to stay and work here as long as I
like.”
You live
somewhere because you have a residential permit, and it’s taught you a lot
about the environment? It’s a parking space, isn’t it? You live in your
step-dad’s parking space.
“I spend time a lot on studying and working part time when
I was on my employment (round 2007), dance training and jogging when I’m not at
work.”
You’ve done two
thousand and seven rounds of employment? Fuck.
Actually, assuming a
standard boxing round of three minutes, you’ve only done about a hundred hours’
work, total. That’s not that impressive considering you’re 24.
As to the other
part, [my bar] and it’s parent company maintain a strict “no jogging at work”
policy, so I’m glad you’re already on board with that.
(The no jogging
policy was implemented after our owner came to work one day in Lycra, the sight
of which rendered several staff members permanently infertile.)
“I am able to
work full time and flexible for any request.”
I’m not sure
how to take that. Are you hitting on me? If not, I’d like to take you up on the
non-sexual part of it, and ask you to wash my car. It’s at home; that’s only a
three mile walk. And no, you can’t use my tap; fill the bucket here first, I’m
not made of money.
“If it comes to
work schedule, I would put work as priority first, then enrichment (dance)
comes.”
Yes, whenever I
work, dance follows. It got to the point where I had to take out a restraining
order against dance as a concept, to stop it perpetually mincing along behind
me and gyrating inappropriately at inopportune moments.
Skimming the rest of
your CV, I notice you’ve worked at “Commis, Pizza, Pasta”, which must be that
Marxist Italian restaurant I’ve heard so much about. (Everyone gets the same
meal; side dishes are considered decadent.)
You’ve also been a
“Cashier/Sales Assistant (Early shift, Part time.)” If you only used to do part
of one shift, I’m beginning to understand that “hundred hours” thing we talked
about.
Under “Key Skills”,
you say you “learn how to perform task under pressure in cosy atmosphere,”
which makes me pretty sure you were hitting on me. Which also means my
car isn’t getting washed. Shit.
“It takes time
for me learning how to communicate with all range of customers.”
No kidding.
“I was Assistant
Troop Leader for two years and Camp Equipment Manager when I was a scout at my
high school.”
I’m guessing
you’re camp whatever you’re managing, but okay.
“I organised activities, designed games and
judging knotting competition.”
Fuck me, Malaysia
is boring.
“The greatest
experience I had was on the bamboo model building project…”
See above.
“[I] helped and fundraise donations for
disable children and local festivals.”
Look, I’m all
for disabling festivals, but the children thing is probably best kept quiet.
Whilst we are always
happy to receive CVs, I really don’t feel I can hire someone who lives in a
parking space and cripples children for fun, especially when we factor in the
obvious sexual tension between us.
Best of luck in the
future,
-Luke Haines,
Bar Manager. 