A Conversation We'll All End Up Having.

 Kids? Kids, could you come in here for a second...?
 Sit down. We need to talk. I know this is a little awkward, but we need to talk about the birds and the bees. We need to talk about sex.
 More importantly, you all have computers, and we need to talk about pornography.
 You don't fucking deserve it.
 Sure, we all know URLs for instant-access, high-definition hardcore pornography, but I don't think you should be allowed it.
 Men of my age - and our fathers before us - sacrificed much for pornography. Your easy-to-access filth is making a mockery of the things my long-distance eyesight fought and died for.
 When I was your age, we had to download our smut the old fashioned way; with Napster or Kazaa or that red one with the cream background whose name I don't recall.
 We had to sit there, expectantly erect, staring at a little bar that slowly chugged across the screen as a five minute clip took twenty minutes to download.
 Invariably, we'd get bored and start proceedings early, meaning that if anyone walked in on you it would appear you had some sort of weird tech fetish and be shipped off to St. Asimov's Home For the Criminally Inclined to Fuck Robots.
 In the days before THAT, archeologists have speculated that people would have to draw flip-books of women being sodomised for money, a process which took days and resulted in numerous accidents with pencil sharpeners.
  In the seedy theatres of the early 20th century, segregation meant that inter-racial porn had to be enacted by couples of the same racial background, with drastically under-hung white men in blackface (or suspiciously large-assed women in whiteface) forced to fuck each other whilst trying to act, something we now know from modern skin flicks is medically impossible. [Holmes' Law states that dong size is inversely proportionate to acting ability. Judging by his career choices, Robert DeNiro's penis apparently grew nine inches sometime shortly after Goodfellas. -LH]
 In prehistoric times - STOP SQUIRMING! You will sit and listen to this lecture, dammit! If you think this is dull and involves a lot of waiting, I fucking DARE you to download "Fiddle Her on the Roof" over a dial-up connection! ...Imesh! That was the red download program with the cream background. You kids don't remember ol' iMesh, do ya?
 ...Anyway, in prehistoric times, early man was forced to make pornography with a series of crudely-sketched images made with charcoal on cave walls, which they would run past quickly to create the illusion of movement. Extant examples have been found in Lascaux, in France, which is also the reason many French archeologists can run the hundred metres in eleven seconds.
 All of this has gone on before you, since time immemorial. Hidden magazines, forbidden tapes, long waits, hardship... all of it, gone, in the blink of an eye, thanks to you kids and your fucking broadband fucking.
 So lay off the porn, 'cause it's pissing off everyone who turned fourteen before 2010.


[NB: I was about to save everything I just wrote on my computer at home, and I came within a hair's breadth of saving the file as "Kids Porn."]