In the wake of the mass shooting in Connecticut over Christmas, a meth-addled and probably inbred think tank over at the NRA decided that the best way to reduce the number of gun deaths in America would be to make sure everyone was armed, all the time, up to and including the kids.
Whilst I'm willing to go out on a limb and say that this is probably not the best-thought-out way to eliminate shootings, and might not even be the best way forward in terms of policy, it does set an interesting precedent.
This week, the U.S. millitary (who all have guns already, fact fans!) decided that it would lift a ban on women serving in combat roles.
Statistics have shown, I'm reliably informed*, that the only major problem women create in combat is a psychological one. They're perfectly capable of performing, but they have an adverse effect on male soldiers.
In battle, this adverse effect manifests as distraction. Male soldiers are more likely to stop what they're doing and help a wounded female colleague, and this can be counter-productive.
Unfortunately, when NOT in battle, the above-mentioned adverse effects are a little less chivalrous. Put bluntly, female soldiers are at more risk of being raped than they are of getting shot.
Luckily, the NRA's drunkest and most senile all-cousin think tank and jug band has shown us the way.
From now on, to prevent rape, everyone will be issued with a penis, to be installed promptly and worn at all times.
This might take some getting used to, but luckily, girls, I'm on hand to help you with your new love truncheon.
1. Erections.
Assuming you've been issued with a sexually mature purple-headed warrior, you're going to find yourself getting unwanted erections about every nine seconds from now until the day you die.
This is normal.
There are numerous ways to combat and conceal unwanted tumescence, from the old fashioned "ALWAYS BE SITTING DOWN" method to the more subtle "upward tuck" manouvre with the waistband of your underwear.
[Fig.1]
This method can prove tricky depending on size. I personally like to tuck it under my shirt and rest my chin on the tip, as I find it makes me look thoughtful.
Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you attempt to slap or punish an erection away. For complex evolutionary reasons that science has yet to reveal to us, this will only serve to encourage it.
2. Urinal Ettiquette.
Those who are currently using outdated, inwards-facing genitals will have to get used to peeing in a trough with other men.
Whilst the common view that men are simple and un-subtle creatures may hold true in most areas of life, there are a large number of complex and unspoken rules when it comes to micturation, and as such, the average pub toilet is a social minefield.
Above all else, you must attempt not to set off the insecurities of any of the parties involved in group urination, including your own. Placement is key to this.
Suppose for example the following hypothetical arrangement of piss-holes:
The man at urinal three is already in play, so you must now chose where to stand. Correct choices include urinal 1, and no others, ever.
Standing closer than is strictly necessary implies that you are either a) looking at someone's cock or b) inviting them to look at yours. Nobody wins in either of those situations, especially as, in most gay bars, you can just walk up to someone who is interested in both seeing yours and showing you his and have a frank and earthy discussion about the matter, without the need for urinals.
Now consider the following arrangment:
Occasionally, you will find yourself confronted with an empty row of urinals. In this instance, choose wisely. In a row of three, for example, NEVER pick the middle one as it will force someone else to stand next to you, which is against the rules.
On certain rare occasions, you will have no choice but to cosy up to strangers with your dick out. If, for example, a row of three urinals has an occupant at the first and third position, the middle sink is your only option. In these instances, stare fixedly at the wall and try to look grim. If, during this process, one of your peeing comrades finishes and walks away, you will be left stood next to the remaining urinator. This is awkward, but unavoidable. If someone else comes into the room, resist the urge to turn around and shout, defensively, "I don't fancy him!" as this will make you look, in the words of Shakespeare, like you are protesting too much, and in the words of the bloke I said it to, "Get out of my way you fucking homo."
You may also hurt the feelings of the other guy, who, for all you know, was hoping that you fancied him.
Some people find it difficult to pee in front of others, and develop "stage fright." If this happens, contact your service provider, as there is a chance you might have a vagina, after all.
3. What To Do In Case Of Periods.
Now that you've been fitted with your new, male, rape-proof organ, you might be wondering what happens when you menstruate. This is, in fact, a trick question. You have a penis now, and as a penis owner, any mention of periods should cause you to wince and shrivel back into yourself like a vampire in the sun, or at the very least cover your ears and go "LALALALALA" until the moment has passed.
4. Sex.
Perhaps the most gratifying feature of your new yogurt cannon is the on/off nature of sexual gratification. It will now require surprisingly little maintenance and very little effort to achieve orgasm, and as soon as that occurs, you'll lose all interest in anything and go to sleep.
Some of you, however, may need time to adjust to the fact that you've been doing things wrong all these years.
I'm not going to help with this, because some women will find out that a hand-job at 45,000rpm is actually quite unpleasant, but they'll learn the hard way when they attempt to do it to themselves, and this is karma.
Many women will also be quite annoyed to learn that some of the little tricks they picked up over the years were completely surplus to requirements and they could have got by with half the effort and a little more focus. If this is you, don't be insulted. Sure, you could have worked smarter rather than harder all these years, but the reason men didn't tell you that it was unnecessary to stimulate any more than one area is because we appreciated the effort you were going to, and didn't want to seem ungrateful.
That's all for now, ladies. Follow these tips and your new penis will provide you whole minutes of pleasure, as well as years of awkwardness and stupid actions.
*Jack Reacher mentioned it in a book. I'm not going to argue with him, even if he is fictional.
No comments:
Post a Comment