Slow, Heavy Night.

 The news often seems to suffer from an odd sort of senile dementia.

 By definition, "news" should consist of new information, but every few months a big story will break informing everyone that they're too fat, as though fat people weren't aware of this, or maybe there was some sort of bizarre, nation-wide weight yo-yo-ing going on whereby everyone becomes too fat at regular intervals, but in the interim is perfectly normal.

 Either way, it's not news. Fat people have always been around. The only thing that's changed is the way we look at them.

 For the best example, turn to music. There was a jazz pianist in the thirties called Fats Waller, but in recent years the twat from the X-Factor insisted on being called "Rik."

 Music used to be awash with cheerfully fat people. Chubby Checker. Fats Domino. Nobody cared. Music seems to be one of the few places where you can get away with celebrating your own waistline. That and professional pool playing (Minnesota Fats et al.)

 If fat people really are alright with their life-threatening ways (and as a borderline alcoholic smoker, I'm in no position to point fingers) then they need to start owning their own words again, much like the rap community tried to reappropriate "the N-word."

 I, personally, would like to see a renaissance of fat musicians. They don't have to be piano players - although it would give them more chance to sit down - but I want to see fat people casting off the shackles of indignity placed on them by a gawping media during slow news weeks.

 Maybe fat people could get together and have a music festival strictly for the overweight. Foodstock? Bubberpalooza? Monterey Jack Festival?  Either way, I've spent some dead time at work trying to think of names for obese musicians. You're welcome.

 Fats Fatman.
 Morbidly Obese Jones.
 Enormous, Diabetic, Amputated Foot Smith.
 Johnny "Steven Segal" Walters.
 John "Candy" Sweetman.
 Wheezy Ryder.
 Big, Fat, Piano Playin' Jimmy.
 "Hefty" Bagg.
 Lardy McFly.
 Enormous "Big Willy" Johnson.
 Moby. [Think about it.]
 "Chubby" Chaser.
 Ned Belly.
 Lefto and Paunchy.
 The Gastric Bypass Anthem.

 (...it was at this point I realised I really should be doing something more productive with my time...)