Gaza For Dummies.

 In spite of my busy schedule and social calendar chock-full of meaningless hookups with supermodels, I recently took the time to interview some major political leaders about the ongoing situation in Gaza.

 First up, Johnny Spokesman - American Ambassador.



 Thankyou for taking the time to speak with me, Mr. Ambassador. What are your personal feelings on Israel's actions of late?

 JS: Well, it's important to allow Israel the right to defend itself. For example, when the U.S. was attacked on 9/11, you'd better believe we retaliated.

Remind me, what nationality were the hijackers on 9/11 ?

JS: Mostly Saudi Arabian.

And how exactly did the U.S. retaliate?

JS: Well, we bombed the shit out of Afghanistan and Iraq, that's for damned sure! Even started a few ground wars for good measure.

How did that work out, overall?

JS: Well, Afghanistan turned out to be literally unconquerable, as every attempt in recent history has proven. Iraq became a long, dragged out bloodbath, but I'm pleased to report that after American and British forces left, it stabilised for a while before becoming an entirely different bloodbath. That's progress, if nothing else.

And what about Saudi-Arabia?

JS: Well, they still sell us a shitload of oil! 


So, to return to the subject of Israel: In your analogy, Israel has been attacked by a much smaller, weaker force, and you advocate an American-style reaction of "bomb the hell out of unrelated, innocent people."

JS: Well, "advocate" might be a little strong. But we're certainly not going to criticise anyone else for following our lead. Especially not people who pay us money.


Next up, I talked to Mohammed Al Arab, a spokesman for Hamas, the millitant Islamic party in charge of the Gaza Strip.


Mr. Al-Arab, thank you for talking to me. How would you say the current conflict is going, from your point of view?

MA-A: I think the Japanese Emperor Hirohito put it best after the bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, when he said that "the war situation has developed not necessarily to [our] advantage."

I see. What are your plans for the immediate future?

MA-A: The plan remains much the same; to crush our enemies and eradicate the state of Israel.

And how do you plan to accomplish this, exactly?

MA-A: We're pursuing a vigorous policy of throwing stones and launching occasional rockets.

And how is that working out in practical terms?

MA-A: Our casualties in the current conflict number over a thousand. But at least we've killed an estimated 42 Israelis. It's a marathon, not a sprint! 


 Finally, I talked to the Israeli spokesman, David Goldstein.


Mr. Goldstein, thank you for your time. How do you respond to accusations that your actions against Gaza amount to the wholesale slaughter of innocent people?

DG: Well, I would object to the term "wholesale."


Do you agree that Israel's current response to the situation has been somewhat excessive, given the fact that as a state, it's much larger, richer, better equipped and better armed than Palestine, and is using these resources to attack an area not much bigger than a large city? An area Israel itself has already prevented people from leaving?

DG: Not at all. Israel has every right to defend itself against threats made against us.


True, but if you were six foot eight and a toddler threatened you with a NERF gun, and you punched his head in, would you not agree that this was excessive force given the situation?

DG: What ethnicity of toddler?

Never mind. Moving on, does it not bother you that your so-called "targeted" attacks have so far leveled schools and hospitals, and killed many innocents and children? 

DG: We were assured by the West that we had the exact same, pin-point accurate targeting systems they used against Saudi Arabia after 9/11.


That might explain a lot.


Having spoken to such prominent leaders, there was one question I wanted to ask that seemed pertinent:



How do you justify your actions?

Johnny Spokesman, U.S. Ambassador: We feel vindicated in knowing that God is on our side.

Mohammed Al-Arab: We know that God is with us.


David Goldstein: We are sure that we are God's chosen people.



 God was unavailable for comment.