Whilst going un-noticed by the general populace, a sick and immoral spectacle masquerading as a sport is being broadcast on British TVs.
Cunningly hidden on the channel "Dave", after Top Gear but before Top Gear, Motocross X may at first come off as the latest in a long line of "x-treme" sports. In my unending quest to bring you the drunkest, most paranoid and libelous news, however, I can exclusively reveal that Motocross X is in fact a sham, and less a sport than a twisted eugenic conspiracy.
On the surface, X-Cross is simple. Riders take turns performing stunts on motorbikes, riding over ramps and completing various feats of acrobatics. The horrifying truth, however, is that nothing that happens between the launchpad and the landing ramp is even remotely intentional on the part of the rider.
"FUUUUUUUUUCK!!"
What's more, despite the implications of the commentators, none of the riders are volunteers or even professionals.
Whilst the nature of the participants varies from country to country - China tends to use Motocross X as a form of punishment for under-performing students at acrobatics schools, whilst the UK tends to send the more nimble looking chavs convicted of motorbike theft - all of them are unwilling participants, sealed into their bike helmets and launched down the tunnel on remote controlled bikes.
Obviously, there is a huge death toll in the early rounds of competitions, and only the most quick thinking and athletic can survive until the televised stages. How do I know all of this to be true? Simple, logical deduction: There is nowhere in the world where people would be able to train for this sport. When was the last time you saw a public space filled with enormous dirt hillocks and ramps?
Clearly, the only people with the money to build such facilities are the shadowy cabals of people who control the sport, who have also hired actors to give the illusion of professional athletes. After competing a trick, one of these "athletes" will ride into a tunnel and then an identically-dressed actor will ride back out and remove his helmet to create continuity.
As time has worn on, these puppet-masters have grown bored and introduced more and more elaborate tricks to play on their bike-bound victims, from greasing the saddle and gluing the victim's hands to the handlebars:
"YOU ASSHOLES!!"
To running ten thousand volts through the bike mid-flight, forcing the competitor to only touch the plastic parts:
"Shitfuckshitshitfuckshitshit-!!"
To simply telling an athlete before launch that there's a bomb in his shoe that can only be turned off by the magnet in his wrist:
"I don't deserve thiiiiiis!"
As if this travesty of a sport wasn't inhumane enough - and make no mistake, we are all MONSTERS for watching - the truth of the competitions is even more shocking than one might first imagine.
Even a casual viewer will note that the stunts performed are only visible in detail during the slow-motion replay - in real time, things happen far too fast for the human brain to process, unless you're one of the unlucky people who is nailed to a motorbike and so high on terror-adrenaline that you've essentially become Spider-Man.
This would imply, logically, that the true architects and primary viewers of this so-called sport are beings with far faster visual reflexes than our own. I'm not saying this is proof that the world is in fact controlled by alien lizard-people, but I am saying exactly that in those words. These space lizards are forcing the nations of the earth to pit various teams of Motocross X riders against each other.
Our reptile overlords will then use X-Treme sports as a eugenics program to breed a new form of supermen who will serve as their slaves. Eventually, these lightning-fast, impossibly athletic ubermensches will rise up in rebellion against their lizard masters like Spartacus of old, and the war between the two will spill out into the lives of the common, oblivious human.
These "X-Treme Wars" between ninja motorcycle stuntment and reptile emperors from beyond the stars will almost certainly spell doom for our entire planet, but one thing is for certain: They'll be fucking AWESOME.
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