Why's Wally?

 There's a lot that's pretty fucked up about children's entertainment.

 I remember the first (and subsequently only) time I saw "Dora The Explorer." If you've never seen it, Dora has an unnerving habit of talking directly to you, the viewer. As I caught the tail end of an episode one day, she turned to the camera said "We had a lot of fun today. What was your favourite part?"

 She then stared, dead-eyed, for a few seconds, blinked, and said "...I liked that part, too."

 It's a terrible lesson to teach kids that the TV is actually communicating with them and can understand their input. Some people never get over it, which is why the stupid still yell advice at televised sporting events.

 Go to any psychiatric hospital in the world and tell them that animated characters are talking directly to you, personally, through the TV, and the receptionist will smile understandingly and say "is that so...?" whilst surreptitiously hammering a button under the counter marked "BRING RESTRAINTS NOW."

"Shoot the president. Bang Jodie Foster. Become death! ONLY YOU CAN SEE THIS MONKEY!!"

 There are plenty of moments from my own childhood that I look back on with bemusement. There used to be an actual board game called "Beware the Bog," which these days is just something I say to people after a curry.

 There was also, as I've pointed out before, a toy-line about time-travelling aviators with magic jewellery called "Ring Raiders", and we were all too young to giggle about it.

 If you have some time to kill between now and Thursday, try to list everything that's fucked up about this.

 One of the stranger things that seems to get a free pass, however, is the "Where's Wally/Waldo" series of children's books.

 As everyone is aware, the aim of the books was to find an idiot in a large crowd scene. What was never really explained was exactly why we had to find Wally.

 I have a number of theories.

 Firstly, I thought he might be legitimately on the run from something. It would certainly explain why he changed his name depending on which country he was in, but then I realised that was stupid. Nobody has ever gone into hiding in an outfit that garish - certainly not for very long, at any rate.

 So maybe Wally is in fact mentally handicapped, and this is why he needs to be found as fast as possible. He's missing from a home somewhere after his colourblind and sartorially ignorant - or possibly just cruel - carer left him unattended after dressing him one morning, and he is now doomed to walk the earth, too stupid to work out how to escape from the outfit in which he finds himself imprisoned.

 That would also explain why a seemingly able-bodied man is carrying a walking stick with him wherever he goes. Either that or the crime he's trying to escape is benefit fraud - the government has worked out that he's not really crippled and he figures his best chance at getting away with it is to adorn himself with the paraphernalia of someone who is legitimately both physically and mentally defective.

 Or maybe he's perfectly sound in judgement, but blind. That would be why he carries the stick and doesn't seem bothered by what he's wearing. It also explains the title. This isn't a whimsical game for kids so much as a genuine plea from someone who actually wants to know where the hell he is and what's going on.

 If this is the case, it's proof positive that the insanity-inducing quality of children's entertainment is creating a race of monsters. Instead of helping a blind man get his bearings, kids have clearly been deliberately giving him bad directions until he ends up in Liliput or China or even what appear to be other dimentions.

"Bastards."

Slow, Heavy Night.

 The news often seems to suffer from an odd sort of senile dementia.

 By definition, "news" should consist of new information, but every few months a big story will break informing everyone that they're too fat, as though fat people weren't aware of this, or maybe there was some sort of bizarre, nation-wide weight yo-yo-ing going on whereby everyone becomes too fat at regular intervals, but in the interim is perfectly normal.

 Either way, it's not news. Fat people have always been around. The only thing that's changed is the way we look at them.

 For the best example, turn to music. There was a jazz pianist in the thirties called Fats Waller, but in recent years the twat from the X-Factor insisted on being called "Rik."

 Music used to be awash with cheerfully fat people. Chubby Checker. Fats Domino. Nobody cared. Music seems to be one of the few places where you can get away with celebrating your own waistline. That and professional pool playing (Minnesota Fats et al.)

 If fat people really are alright with their life-threatening ways (and as a borderline alcoholic smoker, I'm in no position to point fingers) then they need to start owning their own words again, much like the rap community tried to reappropriate "the N-word."

 I, personally, would like to see a renaissance of fat musicians. They don't have to be piano players - although it would give them more chance to sit down - but I want to see fat people casting off the shackles of indignity placed on them by a gawping media during slow news weeks.

 Maybe fat people could get together and have a music festival strictly for the overweight. Foodstock? Bubberpalooza? Monterey Jack Festival?  Either way, I've spent some dead time at work trying to think of names for obese musicians. You're welcome.

 Fats Fatman.
 Morbidly Obese Jones.
 Enormous, Diabetic, Amputated Foot Smith.
 Johnny "Steven Segal" Walters.
 John "Candy" Sweetman.
 Wheezy Ryder.
 Big, Fat, Piano Playin' Jimmy.
 "Hefty" Bagg.
 Lardy McFly.
 Enormous "Big Willy" Johnson.
 Moby. [Think about it.]
 "Chubby" Chaser.
 Ned Belly.
 Lefto and Paunchy.
 The Gastric Bypass Anthem.

 (...it was at this point I realised I really should be doing something more productive with my time...)

A Guide To Misunderstanding Beer.

 All great ideas seem simple in hindsight. The mark of a really excellent invention is that people stand back and go "Why did we never think of this before?!"

 It was bound to have happened with, say, the wheel, but as the invention of the wheel is lost to us, we also didn't have to see the embarrassing second stage that all great inventions go through; the stage where someone tries to improve on it.

 There must have been some caveman, somewhere, who decided that the wheel was all well and good, but triangles were better. Or squares. Shapes with right-angles were the future, because they made your fancy new cart almost impossible to steal. Unless of course someone thought to load it onto a second cart that, y'know, had wheels. The only way to prevent this would be to make sure ALL carts had triangular or square wheels, which just makes it a growth industry.

 In the spirit of the idiots who always try to ruin a perfectly good idea, I'd like to introduce you to some worthless god damned clickbait site's ideas for things you can do with beer. Added, for the low, low price of absolutely nothing, are my counter-suggestions.



"1: Bathe In It! 

Beer is full of vitamins as well as yeast, which acts as a skin softener. It also contains hops, to exfoliate your skin. Add a bottle to your bath water and relax."

A Better Idea: 

 JUST FUCKING DRINK IT.

 Not only is drinking beer at least as relaxing as a bath, if you drink enough of it you'll smell like you've been soaking in alcohol without having to run up your water bill, thus saving money and the environment. What kind of pretentious hipster asshole wants to smell like booze without putting the hours in AND wreck the environment?!


"2: Polish Jewellery!

 No need to spend a lot on special cleaners for your gold jewellery. Simply soak it in a dish of beer, rinse, then polish with a dry cloth."

A Better Idea:

 JUST FUCKING DRINK IT.

 I'm pretty sure that the main financial barrier to gold jewellery isn't expensive cleaning materials. In fact, as a non-reactive metal, you can clean gold with hydrochloric acid without any damage to anything other than your fingers, so save your beer for more important things, like consumption.


"3: Put Out A Fire!

 Don't have a fire extinguisher handy? Shake up a can of beer and pour it over the flames! Note that this is only for small fires, such as grill flare-ups, not electrical or grease fires." 

 A Better Idea:

 RUN.

 Look, I'm not one to judge, but this whole scenario assumes that you're holding a beer and something is now on fire. This makes it pretty likely that it's your fault, and getting the hell out of there before the cops show should be a first priority.

 If that's not the case, this entry seems to assume that the best course of action in a grill fire is to run to the fridge and get a beer, instead of finding some water or any other more readily available liquid. That's just fucking stupid. My grill is literally three feet from my tap, which is half as far away as the fridge where I keep beer. The author of this list of ideas seems to have run out of good advice somewhere around number 1, and by this third entry is basically just telling the public that most liquids will extinguish fire. How many other fluids did they try before hitting on the genius "beer" idea?! I can't wait for next week's piece, "The Top One Things Not To Do With Petrol."


"4: Beersicles!

 Simply add a touch of orange juice and simple syrup, pour into molds, and freeze overnight."

 A Better Idea:

 Just take a deep breath, look your dad in the eye and tell him you're gay.

 This isn't the worst idea on the list (see above) but really, any other form of booze in the world would be a better ingredient in frozen lollipops. If you're going to water something down with OJ and syrup, at least make it something that doesn't begin at a maximum 5% ABV.


"5: Highlight Hair!

 To get natural highlights in your hair, soak it in beer, then head for the sun. After about an hour, rinse with cool water."

 A Better Idea:


 JUST FUCKING DRINK IT.

 Drugs stay in your hair a hell of a lot longer than anywhere else - a single strand of hair can act like a geological record of your narcotic intake. It's why Britney Spears shaved her head right before a custody meeting. With this in mind, my own hair is at least boozy enough to ignite like Michael Jackson in a Pepsi commercial when exposed to a naked flame, and I remain a uniform dull brown. Don't waste yet another beer on this stupid advice. Bottoms up, you're lagging behind.


"6: Beer Slide!

 Think water slides are fun? Why not try a beer slide at your next party?"

A Better Idea:

 Literally anything.

 Try throwing a party in which you provide a few cases of beer and then pour it all over a plastic sheet that people can slip and fall over on, and see how many friends you have at the end of it.

 Drinking enough beer will allow people to skid around and fall over of their own accord; plastic sheeting should remain the preserve of serial killers and the incontinent. 


"7: Polish Furniture!

 To shine your wooden furniture and restore the colour, polish it with a cloth dampened in beer."

A Better Idea:

 JUST FUCKING DRINK IT.

 If you're following my half of the instructions at home, by now you should be drunk enough that you're spilling plenty of beer on your furniture anyway. You're welcome. If you're at a bar, try to argue that you're helping restore the furniture by spilling your pint, and as such should be getting staff discount.


"8: Ice Pack!

 An icy cold can of beer makes an excellent alternative for an ice pack [sic]. Cover it with thin fabric, and  use it on an injury, headache or sunburn."

A Better Idea:

 You're probably drunk enough that you took that "spillage/staff discount" idea a little too seriously and are now nursing a couple of injuries of your own in the gutter outside. Whilst an ice pack would be nice, don't you think you'd be better off DRINKING that beer and finding another bar? 


"9: Chilli!

 Add a can of beer to your chilli to intensify the flavour!"

A Better Idea:


 Add chillies to your chilli to intensify the flavour. Drink beer to kill the pain.


"10: Go Green!

 Use your creative skills to make beer can furniture."

A Better Idea: 

 Know when you're beaten.

 This entry says a lot more about the author than it does about anything else.

 Ignoring the fact that they couldn't find ten straight uses for beer, and have already resorted to pointing out that it's (no.3) a liquid and (no. 8) cold, this one aims to find uses for the packaging. This is the same author who, three ideas ago, implied that he or she had wooden furniture. Clearly, the writing thing isn't panning out for them and they've had to pawn their stuff, leaving them with nothing except an empty apartment, several cases of beer, a freezer full of piss-weak popsicles and no ideas.


"11: Marinate Meat!

 Tenderize a steak by marinating it in beer for a few hours in the refrigerator."

A Better Idea:


 Eat the steak. Drink the beer. NB: This idea assumes you have something left in your life other than low-grade meat and an enormous beer surplus. If, like the original author and most of my readership, this isn't the case, it's easily the best idea on the list.


"12: Kill Slugs!

 Get rid of those garden pests by attracting them with jars of beer, in which they drown!"

A Better Idea:


 Pay a homeless guy to kill slugs for you. Homeless guys can be lured onto your property by leaving jars of beer lying around the garden overnight.


"13: Sleep Better!"

 The smell of hops supposedly induces sleep. Try washing your pillowcase with beer to see if it works for you!"

A Better Idea:


 Go to meetings, or something.

 There are many excuses that people with a chronic drink problem tend to make, but the "I wasn't drunk, I just wash my pillows in beer" line is possibly the saddest I've heard. Seriously, nameless author, I'm sorry your career isn't going well. I'm sorry they repossessed your furniture and you were reduced to eating tough, leathery meat procured from a Danish zoo. I'm sorry that the vegetables to go with it were eaten by slugs. I'm sorry your dad doesn't look at you the same since he came over, saw your highlighted hair and you offered him a beersicle. I'm sorry your house burned down in a grill-fire, and that the firemen laughed at you when you admitted your first reaction was to go to the fridge. But really, for all our sakes, seek help. You're giving writers AND alcoholics a bad name.

No need to spend a lot on special cleaners for your gold jewelry. Simply soak it in a dish of beer, rinse, then polish with a dry cloth. - See more at: http://www.chacha.com/gallery/2744/cool-uses-for-beer/23734#sthash.kyNBr6pU.dpuf

Beer is full of vitamins as well as yeast, which acts as a skin softener. It also contains hops, to exfoliate your skin. Add a bottle to your bath water and relax! - See more at: http://www.chacha.com/gallery/2744/cool-uses-for-beer#sthash.98SAgGqB.dpuf

Beer is full of vitamins as well as yeast, which acts as a skin softener. It also contains hops, to exfoliate your skin. Add a bottle to your bath water and relax! - See more at: http://www.chacha.com/gallery/2744/cool-uses-for-beer#sthash.98SAgGqB.dpuf