New App "Burglr" To Launch In Weeks.

 Controversial app "Burglr," described as "a dating app for the home-invasion enthusiast" is nearing completion, according to its manufacturers.

 Allowing criminals to collate information from social media about which residents of their local area are currently on holiday, down the pub or just dicking about in ASDA, Burglr has promised to "help criminals break and enter the 21st century."

 App creator Darren Staffie, 26, has said that the idea came to him whilst being chased over a fence by an angry homeowner. "It used to be that you had to chance your arm with houses," says Mr. Staffie. "Sometimes an empty-looking gaff would have people in it, and they were seldom pleased to see people in my line of 'work.' Now, with every cunt sharing his or her location every five minutes on Facebook, you can find unoccupied houses in your local area in realtime."

 Burglr will offer a searchable range of crime-types, from a ten minute smash-and-grab robbery available because an occupant is "doing a bit of shopping lol #shopping" to a more extensive, all-the-furniture-and-copper-wiring house clearance crime afforded by a homeowner posting minute-by-minute updates of their two week trip to another country on Instagram.

 Not everyone is happy about the new app, however. "Where's the humanity?" railed career burglar Gary Doolittle. "I've been breaking into houses looking for stuff to nick for twenty years, and knowing I'm not going to be set upon by a frenzied alsation or chased by a sleepy-eyed bloke with his cock out and a baseball bat will take much of the thrill out of the job. First the self-service tills take the human contact out of shopping, now this app will take the personal touch out of self-service houses."

 The app will repeatedly launch as soon as beta testing finishes. In the meantime, it's sunny so I'm going to the park for about ninety minutes...