I would kill you all for a cigarette...

 I don’t think anybody is arguing that we live in a period of literary or journalistic brilliance. We’re barely even in an age of literacy. Last week I bought a ticket in a car park, and the advert on the back was from the city council, warning me about “enforcement camera’s.” Not making that up. Camera’s.
 Still, no matter how much bad writing I come across, sometimes the perfect storm of my mood and someone else’s stupidity leads me to fly into a gnashing, high-pitched fury and complain to disinterested friends, co-workers and now - through the magic of technology - the whole internet!!
 Today it’s weasel words.
 Weasel words, briefly, are words that are designed to disguise something as fact, despite the fact that it’s actually totally made up. “Allegedly” is always a good one.
 The Daily Mirror, the most respectable still-standing red-top tabloid (which is a lot like being a respectable member of the Fritzl family) went on sale on Saturday with the front-page headline “Lord Lucan DID Flee To Africa.”
 The article then begins: “Lord Lucan fled to Africa and could still be alive…”
 Sensational stuff. A man may have lived to be 77. He also may not. What IS clear is that this story might be relevant. If he’s still alive. Which he could be. Probably.

 Anyway, if the fact that someone who committed a murder fled to the most likely location, and is possibly still alive, constitutes front page news, I’ve taken the time to write some Mirror headlines of my own, in case there’s a slow news week again.

Lord Lucan Reportedly Also Keyser Soze, Tyler Durden
“Not Harvey the Rabbit,” though, says a close source.

Lord Lucan’s Phone Probably Hacked By NewsCorp
Fuck it, everyone else’s was.

Lord Lucan Allegedly Called You a Pussy
Although you probably are.

“The Phantom Menace” Conceivably Created By Lucan
It’s only one letter away from Lucas. Think about it.

Lord Lucan Might Have Killed Nanny To Prevent Robot Apocalypse
Most likely just lamped her one with a pipe ‘cause he’s mental.

Lord Lucan Theoretically Behind You Right Fucking Now!!
You can’t prove he isn’t until you look!

Lord Lucan Can’t-Be-Proved-Not-To-Be Having Affair With Schroedinger’s Cat
The pair met somewhere in that last headline, says friend.

Lord Lucan Most Likely Returning to Britain
Says he’d rather face prison than another of these stupid fucking headlines.