New Polar Bear Fails To Wow
Berlin, Germany
Berlin Zoo unveiled it’s latest arrival yesterday to decidedly mixed reception.
Intended as a replacement mascot for the recently deceased polar bear Knut, who drowned in his pool early last year, zookeepers were given a less than rapturous response when presenting their new bear, Kunt.
“We wanted a bear cub that was reminiscent of Knut, but still with it’s own unique identity,” said head keeper Hans Strupp. “But for some reason, people don’t seem to be enthusiastic about Kunt. Personally, I’m a big Kunt fan.”
Parents were also divided on the issue, with many young children being bought commemorative “I Love Kunt!” t-shirts and then being soundly beaten for wearing them. Shirt sales in general appeared to be heavily split along demographic lines, with thousands being sold to male college students, and exactly none to gay men.
Whilst the German public in general may be unaware of the linguistic awkwardness, it is worth noting that the bear was in fact named by a British zoologist who was visiting the zoo at the time. Reports say he was asked to suggest a name for the newborn cub, and immediately came up with the winning suggestion after having violently stubbed his toe.
As for the cub himself, he is reported to be settling in well, and enjoying his time with the zoo’s other bears, Shitbox and Dicklicker.
Confusion Over TV Drama
Hollywood, CA
Confusion and angry finger-pointing were the order of the day in Hollywood recently when it was discovered that a new legal drama had been heading in entirely the wrong direction.
Due to a mis-typed inter-departmental memo, it was realised too late that half the show’s crew had been working on a high-brow legal drama called “Chief Justice”, whilst the other half were trying to make a show called “Chef Justice”, in which a vigilante cook serves up violent revenge.
Show creator Chris Goldman was quoted in an interview earlier this year as saying “I really wanted to take an in-depth, unflinching look at the nitty gritty of what goes on behind the walls of power, and show how gruelling it can be to work as the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.”
Meanwhile, on set, Steven Segal has been saying what a great chance it is to show off his cooking skills whilst stabbing people in the throat with a crab fork.
The show premieres next Friday at nine.
Legal Scholars Make Awkward Discovery
Washington, DC
A team of legal scholars made world history earlier today with a shocking discovery about America’s history.
Working deep in the vaults of the Library of Congress, the Smithsonian Institute and the Pentagon, the team have now revealed that Washington, D.C. was mis-named due to a spelling error and is in fact a literal district of Colombia, the South American country.
“It was quite a shock,” admits professor John Abbernathy, who served as head researcher on the project. “Turns out the entire revolutionary war was financed with cocaine money, and as a thankyou, Washington decided to turn over the nation’s capital to the Colombians. One can only presume our first and greatest president was coked off his tits at the time.”
A transcript of the legal proceedings which led to the centuries-old deal reveals that an uncharacteristically twitchy Washington told the Colombians:
“Yeah, man, you can totally have the fucking capital, man. [Sniffs] I’m not even fucking kidding, you’ll love it, it’s so, SO fucking cool, it’s a bit swampy but it’s yours, really, I’m not even fucking with you.”
The President later added “Oh, man, I’m coked off my tits this time.”
More Confusion At Beleaguered TV Studio
Hollywood, CA
Alpine Studios, the TV company who recently made headlines over the unusual production history of their show “Chef Justice,” have today made the news again with their upcoming drama “Bullpen.”
Intended as a hard-hitting, adult drama about the lives of news reporters, a series of misunderstandings has led to the show actually consisting of the Jackass crew being thrown into a pen with a group of angry bovines.
Series creator Chris Goldman was quoted in an interview earlier this year as saying “I really wanted to look at the minutiae of what makes the news, and the high-pressure environment that news men and women make their living in.”
Show’s star Johnny Knoxville, meanwhile, says “I can’t believe we’re signed on for a full series of this. We’ve only filmed one episode and I’ve had more big horny animals after my ass than a new prison inmate.”
Show premieres Friday at nine.
Garden Path Sentence Leads To Calls For Clarity In Steeplechase Classic
Co. Cork, Ireland
Five-to-One outsider “Garden Path Sentence” managed to beat odds-on favourite “To Calls For Clarity” in a nail-biting photo finish on Saturday.
The ageing horse, who was due to be put to pasture within the next six months, put on a spectacular display to edge out the up-and-coming favourite and stun the bookies.
Jockey Paddy Flannagan, 36, says that whilst the result was “joyful” and “astonishing”, he could not fully understand why the headline describing it was written in the present tense.
When questioned as to how he knew how the headline describing a very-recent event would look in the next day’s paper, Mr. Flannagan admitted that he was in fact a 10th Dimensional being with the power to see every possible permutation of every moment in all the histories of all the possible incarnations of the universe, past, present and future, and that he only worked as a jockey on weekends “for a laugh.”
He then winked and vanished in a beam of light, most likely to his other job as a bin man in an alternate dimension.
Political Tensions in New Bogota
New Bogota, DC
An uneasy peace has been reached today in the struggle for power in New Bogota, formerly Washington, D.C.
After legal scholars discovered last week that Washington was a literal district of Colombia, drug cartels were quick to seize power in the nation’s capital, leading to some drastic upheavals.
President Barack Obama says that the arrival of the cartels has been a mixed bag at best. Speaking from his cell in the White House (now the headquarters of Mr. Juan Ramriez), the president said that whilst most of congress had been hacked to death with machetes, “…I promised change when I was elected, and you can’t say we haven’t had it now. Am I right?!”
Despite Mr. Obama’s somewhat desperate levity, others are less willing to grin and bear it.
The new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff was quoted as saying “I'll fucking cut any puta come to fuck wid me, man! We gonna live like fucking kings bro, fucking kings!”
A Columbian warlord, meanwhile, has said “It’s a difficult time for all of us; adjustment on this scale is never easy, and we’ll have to take things one day at a time.” He then went on to criticise the overall uncouthness of the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs.
Surprise Ratings Hit For Embattled Studio
Hollywood, CA
In a turn of events that has stunned industry insiders, Alpine Studios posted record profits over the weekend, thanks largely to the surprise success of their new show, “Chef Justice.”
Despite initially being dismissed, the show has gone from strength to strength in recent weeks, becoming a ratings juggernaut and leading to talks of a Golden Globe for Steven Segal.
In a heavily-anticipated move, Alpine have renewed the show for a second season. Early rumours suggest that in the new series, Chef Justice will, through a complex series of events, be elected as the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. The working title for the new show is rumoured to be “Chef Justice: Chief Justice.”
Show creator Chris Goldman was quoted as saying “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”
Knorr Fined Over Advertising
London, England
Cooking giant Knorr has been fined by trading standards over breaches in advertising conduct.
A recent TV ad from the company for stock cubes claimed that the cubes in question contained “25% Less Salt,” but an investigation was launched after it was pointed out that there was nothing to quantify the claim.
The company admitted on Friday that what the stock cubes contained 25% less salt than was “A big fucking bag of salt.”
The statement went on to add “like, really fucking big. Big as a cunt.”
With the advertising snafu dealt with, Knorr are now being investigated for their use of language in press releases.
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