These Are Not The Headlines (3)

[Part 1]     [Part 2]


Kristen Stewart’s New Romance
Hollywood, California

 Following her painful break up from boyfriend Robert Pattinson, professional moaning bitch and sometime actress Kristen Stewart has glummed her way into the affections of Hollywood heart-throb Taylor Lautner.
 Speaking to the Associated Press on Friday, Lautner opened his pointless, charisma-vacuuming face hole to grunt, muscularly: “I’ve always had a thing for dreary, pallid women, and ever since ‘One Night In Paris’ I’ve found that whole weird half-closed eye thing super hot,” he enthused from his swirling personal cloud of hair products and steroids, whilst attempting to grow pubic hair because he’s fucking twelve.
 Ms. Stewart, meanwhile, nearly cracked a smile over the whole thing. Almost.
 The life-imitating-art nature of the relationship has caused some scientists to speculate that the barrier between fiction and reality is now in danger of unravelling at the slightest provocation.



“Panorama” Announces Rebranding
London, UK

 Longstanding news programme “Panorama” is to be re-titled, the BBC announced yesterday.
 Known for years for its serious, hard-hitting exposés and award winning investigative journalism, Panorama had increasingly struggled to stay relevant in the modern culture of slapdash scaremongering and shoddy fact checking.
 As such, the BBC has revealed that the programme will keep its air-time, theme music and most of the titular letters, but will instead henceforth be known as “Paranoia.”
 Upcoming specials will apparently include titles such as “Everything Is Going To Kill You In The Face” and “It's Behind You Now - RIGHT FUCKING NOW!”



Weather Reports To Change Precipitation Measures
London, UK

 In light of recent weather conditions and all rain-related records being broken, the Meteorological Office in Britain has declared several changes to its forecasting policies.
 Instead of the more traditional “sun/rain/cloud” predictions, all forecasts for weather will now take place in the newly invented “What is it raining like?” scale.
 According to the new scale, weather will be “Raining like…” a series of things, from “that fine, misty stuff,” through “cats and dogs” and “it was last Tuesday”, to “fuck.”
 On the (presumably forthcoming) occasion when the precipitation level rises above “raining like fuck,” all future forecasts will be relayed through a series of strangled bubbling sounds as we all drown and Kevin Costner attempts to grow gills and drink his own piss.



Taylor Lautner Saught By Animal Control
Hollywood, California

 A large team of animal control experts were last night hunting escaped celebrity Taylor Lautner after his sudden and entirely predictable transformation into a snarling lycanthrope.
 After her recent split from pasty recluse Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart had been seeking solace in the arms of her other “Twilight” co-star until, in a shock revelation, Lautner turned out to be a werewolf.
 With Lautner currently chasing cars/postmen/his own tail somewhere in the wooded sections of the Hollywood Hills, Robert Pattinson has re-emerged on the scene to rekindle his on-again/off-again romance with K-Stew. Leading analysts are predicting that this means the entire dividing line between fiction and reality is now, in the words of professor Emmett L. Brown of CALTECH, “totally fucked,” a sentiment echoed by Dr. Doom and the Professor from Gilligan's Island.