According to a recent study by sexologists, we all have shitty jobs except them.
According to another recent study by the self-same smug bastards, hairy palms and blindness are signs of attractiveness, especially on people with clipboards.
....Alright, seriously now. I'm well aware of the stigma sexologists face in their work; when Alfred Kinsey did the first serious work on human sexual behaviour, everyone assumed he was a pervert with nothing to contribute to science or psychology, when in fact we owe him a debt in both. He went on to be played in a movie by Liam Neeson which I haven't seen, but I imagine includes a lot of scowling and gunfights in between the research.
He will look for you. He will find you. He will take copious notes on your sex life.
So sex researchers aren't all perverts (the fact that Kinsey once stuck the bristle-end of a toothbrush somewhere unspeakable is what statisticians would call an anomaly*) and sometimes they turn up some interesting stuff.
Recently, sexologists have discovered that teenagers don't really know how to have sex, but that, counter-intuitively, they don't know how to do it in entirely the opposite direction to every previous generation's teenaged ineptness.
I've long had a problem with teenagers looking at porn. Not because I disagree with it, but because they can do it so much easier than I could when I was their age. Guys of my generation had to work for their smut, finding it in hedges or watching it on a muted TV with the brightness turned right the way down. Kids today can just watch it on their smart-phone without lifting a finger.
...That might not have been the best choice of words.
Still, there has been a sort of karmic comeuppance (again, bad phrasing...) in that I, and I'm willing to bet most other males my age, viewed porn as something rare and unusual. As a result, it took on an almost mythic quality. Kids today, it turns out, are so de-sensitised to pornography that they think it depicts what sex is actually like, and boy, are they wrong.
More and more, according to this article, kids are trying to practice sex the way they see on the internet - mechanically, and with the sort of grim, relentless pounding that they're used to seeing. Girls, meanwhile, assume they're meant to lie/kneel there and make unconvincing yelping sounds while their lonely clitori go ignored and their boyfriends whack away at them like an industrial sewing machine. As a result, these teenagers really aren't having much fun.
Speaking for myself, I always knew porn was artificial. I didn't feel too terrible about the fact that, unlike those guys do way up on the screen, I didn't have a ten-inch cock. I always suspected that forty minutes of relentless, gritted-teeth thrusting was slightly outside the norm. I knew porn sex was unrealistic in the same way that Bruce Willis jumping off a roof tied to a fire hose was unrealistic; theoretically possible, sure, but unlikely to ever happen to me.
So, it's true that I might be a little bitter about how easily the kids today - even the lonely, geeky, un-fucked ones like me - can get instant access to HD quality streaming pornography, but I can console myself with the fact that my generation is having way more fun with sticky, awkward, ten minute, completely un-sexy sex than any of the kids are apparently having with their pneumatic failures.
Sometimes, not being a teenager anymore has its benefits.
*Google it yourself, even thinking about it makes me wince
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