Students Have It Worse...

 Dear Dr. Jones,

 Whilst your letter of last week caused something of a stir and raised some valid greivances, it must be pointed out that your work as a teacher has been, if anything, substandard in recent years.

 You rarely attend your classes and, when asked why, give the same tired excuses. "Stowed away on a Nazi submarine" this and "gunfight in Cairo" that.

 It wouldn't be such a problem, Dr. Jones, if it hadn't clearly affected your teaching methods. Some of the work turned in by pupils of yours has been ludicrous. "Punching Turbanned Foreigners During Car Chases" should never be the title for a thesis, and neither should "Teaching Asian Children How To Drive" or "Pointy Things Best Avoided - From Poison Darts To REALLY Poisoned Darts."

 Very few of your students seem to be learning anything about Archaeology. One pupil seemed to be thinking along the right lines, only to be corrupted by your unusual attitude - see the term paper "Neanderthal Man In Northern Europe And How To Fight One If It Escapes From A Glacier."

 It's not that your work on behalf of the University isn't appreciated, Dr. Jones - you are held in notoriously high regard by almost every attractive female professor in Europe, so you must be doing something impressive - but we have to ask that you attempt to focus your teaching more on the traditional archaeological curriculum than on your outlandish exploits.

 Oh, and could you please do us a favour and try to attain the Voynich Decoder Stone? Apparently it's in remote and windswept Castle Dread in the Austrian Alps, in the hands of Baron Von Murderhoffen and his impressively proportioned adopted Swedish triplets. We'd send Prof. Higgins but he's busy with the pep rally until Tuesday.

 Best,

 Barnett College Board of Directors.