Teachers Have It Tough...

To the Faculty and Staff,

 Does anyone else have to put up with this shit?!

 Seriously, I’m a professor of archaeology and nowhere in the application process did it say I’d be required to get chased by spear-wielding natives or thrown into derelict tombs.

 I assumed everyone was suffering the same sorts of problems, until a conversation last week when I learned that Professor Morgan in the biology lab hasn’t been thrown off a cliff or shot by Nazis once this semester.
I’m beginning to suspect I’m the victim of some elaborate prank. Did anyone else actually have to pass a whip exam before starting their job?! Prof. Brody told me it was standard university policy, but I’m yet to see a single other teacher use so much as a riding crop.

 Since starting my job here I’ve been sealed in rooms full of snakes - I hate snakes! - and nearly crushed by an enormous boulder. I’ve almost had my heart torn out by a deranged Indian mystic, and been present at supernatural ceremonies that literally melted the faces of everyone else in attendence.

 I frankly refuse to believe any of the above has happened to any of the economics or English professors. If this is not, as I have been led to believe, a normal part of teaching then I demand at least a 5% raise and ideally a new hat - I’ve been wearing this one for years.

 Yours expectantly,

 Prof. Henry Jones Jr.