I Belive I'll Ice My Broom.

 I've become obsessed with the curling.

 Not because I find it exciting or interesting, but because I'm constantly baffled as to how it's a thing.

 Honestly, it's the stupidest sport I've ever seen. It's essentially bowls for people whose lawns have frozen over, but with the added fun of sweeping up.

 I've got no idea who came up with the game but it must have involved cold weather and people with far too much time on their hands. Or brain damage. Or both.

 If I had to guess I'd say it was a group of spectacularly bored roadsweepers from Finland. Or maybe it was invented as a way to distract the four stupidest men in Norway, and it's now somehow gone Olympic.

 I've already complained about the Winter Olympics being chock-full of non-sports that are solely the preserve of the wealthy, but even on that skewed playing field, curling stands out, not least for it's thudding pomposity. According to Wikipedia, fans of the sport sometimes refer to it as "Chess on ice."

 No it fucking isn't. It's sliding a stone across a frozen pond. It's basically that game where you skip stones across the surface of a lake, but for people too thick or ham-fisted to pull it off under normal conditions. It's stone-skimming for the mentally handicapped.

 A player for the GB women's team said that the curlers were in the gym twice a day, seven days a week to prepare. It's a crime that interviewer Clare Balding didn't immediately ask the obvious question: "Why?!"

 There's no point going to the gym to learn curling. A polished stone slides across ice with almost zero friction, so it's not like it requires much muscle to get the process started, and the part with the broom could be perfected by twenty minutes of light yard work.

 Not that many curlers would understand the normal use of a broom. I'm sure these are, once again, mostly wealthy people. They can't possibly have day jobs if they're "training" that often. Or perhaps they did have day jobs and gave them up when they made it big on the curling circuit - supporting themselves now through Eskimo sponsorship deals and autograph-signing tours of Greenland.

 The only way I can imagine having fun with curling would be to turn up at a match and be lairy in the stands. Sing modified football chants and shout "Who are ya?!" at the other team - although that would be necessary anyway as I have absolutely no idea who any of the participants are. It's at least fun to try to think up curling chants. "You're Not Sweeping Anymore" and "You're going home in a fucking... er... sleigh!" and so forth.

 Sadly, I'm told such behaviour is frowned upon at Sochi. Is there nothing the Russians aren't intolerant of?!