Sochi-alism.

 The winter Olympics, not normally the most controversial of events, has been giving reporters some problems.

 On the one hand, it's awkward having to validate anything Russia does when they still have an appalling record on pretty much every issue you can name. Aside from the well publicised and virulent homophobia, there's the fact that stray dogs are habitually rounded up and shot by the police, and the lesser known fact that a staggering one-third of Russians still think the Sun revolves around the earth due to the overall paucity of Russian education.

 Then there's the corruption, the cronyism, the psychotic national leader with a history of murdering people, the almost national alcoholism, and the fact that they have a fairly slipshod grasp of their own nuclear arsenal. All in all, it's not a country that really deserves much positive attention on any level.

 At the same time, there are the athletes to consider. All of their training and efforts would have come to nothing if their respective parent nations had boycotted the Sochi Olympics, and even if these games are being held in an unpleasant country, it would be cruel to deny these kids their dreams. It's a tricky Catch-22 that other, more established (read: paid) commentators are struggling with.

 Luckily, as the drunkest and most unpaid of all news pundits, I've decided on a policy of fuck 'em. The Russians AND the athletes.

 This is because almost none of the sports involved in the Winter Olympics are actually proper sports. These aren't games that are open to everyone in the world, as the Summer Olympics - otherwise known as "The Olympics" - are. These are largely games for the rich and bored.

 Think about it. The reason that poor nations in East Africa have come to dominate distance running in recent years is that there's no financial barrier to it. Everyone with a working set of legs can run. Genetically speaking, a lot of East African tribes have a predisposition to slow-twitch muscle fibers, which make them excellent endurance athletes. That they have, in recent years, proved this in international contests is testimony to the egalitarianism of sport.

 Of course, excellent endurance skills are also needed for cross country skiing, but we'll never see a Kenyan champion at that. Why? Because it's too fucking expensive. Sure, Africa is hot, but athletes could always practice on indoor ski-slopes or book flights to Sweden if they were serious, right?

 Of course not. Both of those things are too expensive for the average first-world resident, let alone someone who's practicing running in third-hand Nikes.

 Same goes for things like snowboarding. Have you ever met a professional snowboarder? Me neither. I don't move in the right circles. I know plenty of builders and bus drivers and barmen, all of whom would laugh in your face if you tried to pretend that "snowboarder" was an actual job. But I've never met a snowboarder, except once when I was in Austria and was given smirky looks by a group of them when I took a cable car up an Alp, sans-snowboard, just for the experience. I'd spent most of my money on the trip, and couldn't really afford ski or snowboard rental even if I had felt the urge to attempt it. I just decided to go to the top of the mountain for fun, and possibly to scream "DRAGO!!!" at the setting sun. For this, my other cable car passengers gave me a distinctly judgemental vibe, as though one of the servants had sat at the dinner table.

 Once again, winter sports aren't something that just anyone can do. Future Olympic gold medallist Anthony Joshua was given a slap on the wrist after being arrested dealing weed. Whilst that doesn't set the best example, I can guess why he was doing it: Money. People who can afford winter sport gear and long trips to cold climates to practice with said equipment never get busted selling pot because they don't need to. They're already fucking loaded.

 So let's stop pandering to these "athletes" and their precious dreams. I'll grant that some of the participants are from colder climes, and good luck to them. I'm sure skiing, for the Finnish, is as instinctive as running for the finish would be to Kenyans, but for the UK, all we're doing is cheering on a bunch of hoorays as they practice their niche little hobbies that most of us could never afford.

 So, fuck the Winter Olympics. Fuck the Russians and their insane, homophobic, failed-superpower backwater, and if fobbing them off means Tarquin and Conrad don't get to toboggan for the crowd, well, fuck them too. Their dream might have been to go skiing for a living, and daddy might have spent a lot funding it, but there are people in this country whose dream is to not freeze to death through outright poverty this winter, and until they're looked after, the rich can play in the snow off their own backs.