New Gym, Anyone?

 Congratulations on signing up to THUNDERGYM, an exciting new fitness centre. We hope to open many more THUNDERGYMs across the country and, eventually, the world, but for now, thank you for registering your interest in our flagship branch.

 THUNDERGYM offers unprecedented freedom of access to equipment for all members - we guarantee no more waiting for someone else to finish using what you need, ever. This is because of THUNDERGYM's patented approach of only allowing two members into the building at a time, at specifically ordained times.

 Taking our inspiration from the "classic" movie Mad Max: Beyond The Thunderdome, we believe not only that soul singers should make racist Australians defend the honour of midgets, but that there are enormous health and eugenics benefits to the motto that "Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves."

 Of course, we at THUNDERGYM pride ourselves on being a modern and progressive company, and as such there are no guarantees that two men will enter. Women, men, transvestites and minotaurs are all a very real possibility of opponent in THUNDERGYM.

 Due to the high-intensity nature of a THUNDERGYM workout, we guarantee results whatever your goals. Trying to gain strength? You'll be surprised how quickly panic adrenaline will see you lifting even the heaviest war hammer. Want to improve your cardio and fitness? You'll have little choice when being chased by an axe-wielding opponent, desperate to do whatever it takes to see his wife and children again. Core strength and balance need work? Battle on the precarious, tilting beams over the pit of spikes and see how fast you get ripped! Either metaphorically or to shreds - it's really all down to how much you want to see the dawn, pussy.

 By now you might be asking "Sweet Jesus, is there any way I can get out of this?!"

 Lack of motivation is a common problem in many gym-goers. This is why, regardless of whether you signed up deliberately, as part of a clerical error, or as the victim of a prank by a friend or jealous spouse, our professional team of hired goons will come to your home and drag you to THUNDERGYM once a week, every week, at your allotted time.*

 Another common question we receive here at TGHQ is "Please, I have money, I'll do anything you want." Regrettably, it is the policy of THUNDERGYM that kiss our asses, we're making way more money out of sponsorship than you could ever offer us. As soon as this shit goes pay-per-view (and it will), Simon Cowell won't know whether to shit or go blind. Those assholes on "Gladiators" with the cotton-balls on a stick are going to look like such a bunch of sissies. It'll be so awesome.

 In conclusion, thank you again for registering for THUNDERGYM. Your appointment will take place on    TUESDAY   between the hours of   11:00   and   13:00   against   Invincible Swedish giant and former strongman champion "Mad" Magnus Larsson  .

 Best wishes/Condolences

  The THUNDERGYM team.


*THUNDERGYM is closed one week in four for desperately needed cleaning.