Tuesday, 11 November 2014

He's Not Dapper, And He Doesn't Make You Laugh.


 It's been a bumper week for sexist, pencil-dicked tosspots in the news.

 First came the shocking info that professional wanker Dapper Laughs had his show dropped by ITV. Not for being crushingly un-funny, but because he'd been caught making comments at a live appearance where he said that a female audience member was "gagging for a rape."

 It's kind of ironic that the only way I could ever find Dapper Laughs funny is if he went to jail and was viciously buggered against his will.

 Hot on the heels of Dapper "Cunt" Laughs and his show being cancelled, pick-up-artist Julien Blanc was in the news as a petition to keep him out of Britain gathered momentum.

 Blanc - who calls himself a "pick up artist" because the term "sad bellend" isn't a recognised profession in a lot of countries - is one of those people who travels the world, being paid to talk to men even more pathetic and sexless than himself, riling them up with misogynist rhetoric and trying to convince them that they can be the exact kind of attractive alpha male that he, himself, clearly isn't. He was just booted out of Australia after he said that white men in Japan were free to imitate him by walking around, grabbing women by the necks and forcing their heads against his penis whilst yelling "pokemon." I promise none of that sentence is made up. Sadly.

 When you're too uncouth and sexist for Australia, it's time to take a long, hard look at your life. I digress.

 I'd quite like to see the petition against Julien Blanc succeed and ban him from the UK, but I didn't actually sign it myself as I'd really like the petition to succeed with only female signatures on it. The entire female population of a country telling him to fuck off would be the ultimate justice, and I thoroughly encourage all the single ladies (ALL the single ladies) to tell this prick where to go. And the married ones, too.

 The real question, to my mind, is not how tossers of the Blanc/Laughs magnitude exist in the first place, but what, exactly, causes them? These people don't just spring up overnight. They're a product of society, and as a member of society, I think we've all clearly fucked up if this is what we're creating.

 Possibly Laughs and his ilk are proof that "lads' mags" really did have a negative impact on the Zeitgeist. At 27, he would be smack in the middle of the generation that grew up with Nuts and Zoo as their cultural touchstones during their formative, sexually charged years. Magazines that many of us thought were harmless enough - all the time ignoring the damage they may have been doing to the minds of the stupid and gullible.

 It could also be, perhaps, blamed on the tail end of the Thatcher/Reagan years. Kids who grew up in the nineties nicked their older brothers' videos saw gung-ho, ultra-macho movies from the eighties with shirtless, indestructible bodybuilders who shrugged off bullet wounds and laughed in the face of death. Real men were ultra-tough to the point of being invincible, and it led to a hell of a crisis of masculinity in the next generation.

 It's why there are no modern action stars - nobody believes that anyone of the modern generation can be tough, which is why Bruce Willis was about thirty in Die Hard, and now when we want a hero, we still turn to a nearly-sixty Bruce Willis. Modern men are so insecure in themselves they can only really trust action heroes of their dad's generation.

 Normally this doesn't result in anything worse than a few "Taken" movies, but amongst the truly dickless and impansied* it festered and wrankled. These guys knew they were pussies. They knew they weren't macho enough. They were scared of girls, scared they'd never lose their virginities. Fear turned to hate. And hate led them to the Dapper Laughs side.

 Fans of Julien "I'm Clearly Not Happy About My Girly Name" Blanc and Dapper "Suspected Micropenis" Laughs are seemingly actual grown men who are so insecure that they need classes on how to manhandle women. Think about that. Julien Blanc actually makes a living instructing adult males who don't fancy their chances against a girl in a fight and therefore need some pointers on how to physically assault someone half their size in the completely worthless hope of somehow getting laid instead of arrested.

 The solution to the problem is twofold, at this point. Either we get all the men who don't have the balls to talk to a real-life girl, give them a rifle and a parachute and drop them over Iraq in the hopes that the ones that make it back are at least now tough enough to build their own Tinder profile, or else we do something even more unthinkable: We try to get these guys to talk to actual women.

 The ones who don't get arrested or beaten up might actually have a shot at pulling their heads out of their asses.




*Dibs on that word. I think it's an original.

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