Paddington: A Nymphomaniac, Nihilist Masterpiece?

 Who's the bear that likes Marmalade sandwiches and is a sex machine to all the chicks?!

 Paddington. Apparently.

 This is what's to be inferred from the news that a new movie about Paddington Bear has been given a PG rating by censors because of sexual references.

 Those "sexual references," incidentally, consist of some bloke from Downton Abbey dressing up as a woman in one scene.

 I confess that I haven't actually seen the new Paddington film, and I suspect I never will. I'm actually allergic to any and all forms of childlike innocence. Still, I caught a synopsis of the plot on the radio earlier in a debate about the allegedly sexual nature of cross dressing.

 For the record, I don't think there's anything inherently sexual about men dressing up as women. For some reason that I've never really understood, it's a staple of British comedy and as a nation we seem to always find it uproariously funny. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't, but it's never remotely sexual as far as I can detect.

Not pictured: Erotica.

 What should be troubling people more is the main thrust of the story. I don't mean anything sexual by that.

 According to reports, the plot revolves around Nicole Kidman's taxidermist trying to catch Paddington and stuff him. Again, non-sexually. 

 This seems like a confused message at best, as Paddington (major spoilers for the under four demographic) is, in fact, already a stuffed bear.

 Maybe not in the movie, but he's definitely a stuffed bear any time I've seen him in person. My mother has a stuffed Paddington bear from god knows how many years ago. I've known plenty of kids who had them in my own generation.

 So what is the message, here, exactly? Is the new Paddington movie in fact some sort of gritty prequel implying Nicole Kidman eventually succeeds, murders the bear and that's why he's now lying, dead eyed and full of stuffing, in your room?! Are we trying to tell the kids that all is futile, and that Nicole Kidman is some sort of cuddly-bear terminator?! Is the message that if you're special or unique, you will be hunted until the end of your days, gutted and left as a hollow shell of what you once were?

 The existence of actual stuffed Paddington bears is implication of all this and more.

 Which is way more traumatic than Hugh Bonneville in a dress. 

 Maybe it should have been an 18 certificate.