Why Nobody Will Hire You.

 With the summer over and the sunshine ebbing away, it's the time of year when a lot of people begin to look at the futility of their empty, rain-swept lives, become horribly depressed and end up shooting their co-workers from a bell tower.

 If this isn't you, then at the very least, you might have fallen victim to a mild sense of dissatisfaction when it comes to your job this month. Everyone seems to go through it.

 Luckily, a recent study has found that the reason many people fail to get their dream jobs (or in the current economic climate, any job at all) is because their CVs aren't up to the task.

 In an effort to help my fellow man and as part of my court-ordered "do something to help your fellow man" community service, here are my handy tips for ways you can improve your CV right now.


 1. You're a Qualified Nutritionist.

 You might be thinking that "nutritionist," as a job, requires a degree, a working knowledge of calories and gastrointestinal processes, or at least a vague idea of what sort of things are edible.

 Fortunately for your CV, none of the above is true.

 In actual fact, although many colleges and universities offer various accreditations in nutrition, the word "nutritionist" is not legally protected. There's no barrier to any idiot off the street claiming to be a nutritionist, and as an idiot frequently found in the street, this was heartening news to me.

 A dietician is a recognised medical job, but nutritionist isn't. As the great Dara O'Briain pointed out, "It's the difference between being a dentist and a toothyologist."

 So stick "nutritionist" on your CV. You're already qualified for it, and so is everyone else.


2. Nobel Prize Nominee.

 The key to this one is a good poker face and the word "nominee."

 It's almost certainly a lie (I have no idea what the readership demographics are around here...), but the key thing is that people who are nominated for a Nobel aren't ever revealed. They only tell us the winners.

 In actual fact, there's an embargo on anouncing nominees until seventy years after the fact, meaning that if you claim to have been nominated this year, it'll be 2083 before anyone finds out you were bluffing.

 The only way this could backfire is if medical science somehow cracks the aging process and we all start living to be six hundred years old, at which point you'll be rumbled and fired just before the start of the next century.


3. TIME Magazine's Man/Woman Of The Year, 2006.

 Because "person of the year" doesn't have much of a ring to it, I always prefer to specify by gender, so I guess the most important thing to remember is whether or not you have a penis. Arriving to an interview with a full beard and then claiming to be TIME's Woman Of The Year is only going to lead to awkward questions that no amount of nutritionism or Nobel nominations will explain away.

 Still, officially speaking, TIME listed "you" as it's person of the year for 2006. As in all of us, to acknowledge the fact that the internet had given the masses unparalleled freedom. Granted, TIME seemed to think that mass access to the internet would usher in a golden age of democracy, tolerance and justice instead of LOLcatz and racist YouTube comments, but this is about CVs, not sociology.



 With these useful white lies, plus whatever bullshit you've already piled into your desperate plea for contractual employment, you're far more likely to land a dream job. After all, why wouldn't you get hired as a Nobel prize nominated nutritionist beloved by TIME ?!

 Probably because you're the kind of idiot who takes advice from washed up barmen on the internet, thinking about it...