Ha! Death...

[I initially pitched this article to Cracked.com, but they basically said it was mean to make fun of the dead. Whilst I respect their editorial decision, I wholeheartedly disagree ("Death smiles at us all...") so I've posted the article pretty much as it would have appeared.] 


The 5 Dumbest People Ever To Go Over Niagara Falls.



In a tragic accident last week, a Japanese student was killed at Niagara falls after her optimistic insurance policy of “balancing on a railing” failed to pan out.
Although accidents are rare at the falls, deliberate attempts to travel over the edge of the 165 foot waterslide of death are far more common than you’d hope, by which we mean “they happen at all, even once.”
Of the many documented trips over Niagara, many people miraculously survived, be it through solid planning, ingenious contraptions, or astonishing luck.
These five people all went over the edge deliberately and died, all of them spectacularly.
Whilst it’s not the standing policy of this website to mock the dead (at least not any more than the living) it’s worth saluting the Wile E. Coyote manner in which these people joined the choir invisible at Canada’s favourite landmark.
(Canada’s second favourite landmark, by the way, is that taco stand in Vancouver.)




5. “Red” Hill Jr.


The Man: There are only three ways to earn the nickname Red; being ginger, being a communist, or being a stone-cold bad-ass. William Hill Jr. was at least two of those things.


The Plan: Whilst it’s irresponsible to speculate about a person’s psychology without knowing them intimately, it’s fair to say ol’ Red had some daddy issues. Hill Sr. had been famous for making multiple trips over the falls himself, and Junior was determined to prove that he could do it, too.






“And that, son, is why you’re a pussy.”


The Aftermath: If there’s one thing that crops up time and again in stories of people who successfully made it through the liquid hell of Niagara, it’s phrases like “huge, steel barrel” and “solid oak construction.”
“Fuck that,” Hill presumably said, and attempted to make the trip in a rig he’d built himself out of “industrial inner tubes and fish nets.”
Having already used a lucky thirteen tubes to build his craft, he nicknamed it “The Thing”, because if there were two things Red Hill Jr. was bad at, it was “not tempting fate” and “imaginative names.”
Turns out, the reason nobody is catching fish with nets at Niagara falls is that they tend to get shredded under the ludicrous, hammer-of-god pressures. The reason nobody tries to float around the falls in an inner tube is that we all like living.
Hill’s body finally washed up the following morning, and was directly responsible for any future daredevil attempts being made illegal.



4. George Stathakis.


The Man: George Stathakis was a chef who wanted to use the fame his stunt would generate to launch his career as a psychic. If that doesn’t convince you of his mental stability, bear in mind that he also brought along his pet turtle for luck.


The Plan: In fairness, for a man who was so bad a psychic he couldn’t forsee his own death, and so bad a critical thinker that he thought he was psychic, George Stathakis actually constructed an extremely strong, 2,000lb barrel for himself and his turtle to ride in. On paper, it was a solid attempt.


The Aftermath: What George didn’t bank on was that the force of the falls can pin things like a big heavy barrel down pretty effectively. The huge receptacle became trapped behind the wall of water for 18 hours, which was about 12 hours more than the oxygen in the barrel could sustain Stathakis for. If you can think of a worse way to punch out than slowly suffocating inside a giant washing machine, it probably involves words like “burrowing scorpions” and “testicles.”
The pet turtle, “Sonny Boy”, survived the ordeal. History does not record if Sonny Boy went on to further daredevil stunts, so we’re forced to assume that he later jumped the Grand Canyon on a rocket bike.






Sonny Boy – Artist’s Rendering.



3. Jesse Sharp


The Man: Jesse Sharp was a 28 year old unemployed daredevil who wanted to break into the stunt business, and decided the best way to do this was to bring a little old fashioned charm to his burgeoning career. He attempted the falls in 1990, after his parents tipped off the police and scuppered his previous attempt in 1980.


The Plan: Jesse refused to wear a helmet for his stunt, because he wanted his face to be clearly visible on camera at all times.
Judging by this and other facets of his scheme, Jesse should probably have been wearing a helmet for pretty much everything. His entire plan seemed to consist of 1) Paddle a ten foot plastic kayak into the world’s most powerful waterfall, and 3) Stunt career!


The Aftermath: Somewhere around Step 2, things went bad. Although he’d thought to avoid becoming trapped under the falls like Stathakis, his method for avoiding this outcome was to also avoid wearing a life vest. His canoe made the trip with nothing worse than a minor dent, but Sharp’s body was never found.



2. George Stephens


The Man: Hailing from Bristol, England, George Stephens was known as “The Demon Barber of Bedminster” because of his roles in Tim Burton musicals.
 Nah, Stephens was a daredevil of local fame who had already completed numerous dives and parachute jumps from balloons. He was a man unafraid of falling, water, or mortal danger, so he seemed as well qualified as anyone for the job.


The Plan: George constructed a large barrel out of heavy Russian oak, and decided that practice runs and testing were for men with lesser moustaches than his.


Not pictured: Sanity.


Ignoring the advice of several people who had actually successfully navigated the falls before him, George strapped himself securely to the inside of the barrel and, for ballast, tied an anvil to his feet.


The Aftermath: Although nobody outside of ACME Corporation has ever done extensive research in the anvil/barrel department, anybody who wants to start should study George Stephens. The trip went well for at least 95% of it’s duration, right up until the barrel hit the water. At this point, the barrel, being bouyant, came to a halt, whereas the anvil continued on it’s suicidal plummet into the depths, with George still tied to it.
Eventually, the barrel broke apart and drifted ashore, with one Stephens’ arm still strapped inside.



1. Robert Overacker.


The Man: Robert Overacker was a 39-year-old Californian who had crossed the country in 1995 in order to act out the sort of plan most of us would think was awesome if we were stoned, drunk, crazy, or Robert Overacker. If you are crazy, it should come as no surprise to learn that his main motivation for the stunt was to highlight the plight of the nation’s homeless.


The Plan: Overacker’s plan was nothing if not ambitious, combining as it did, a jet ski, a death-plunge and a rocket-propelled backpack. He basically invented a real life version of the game “Just Cause 2” fifteen years ahead of time.






“Why are you flying a rocket-parachute?”
“Just ‘Cause. Haaaa hahahaaaa!”


Overacker’s idea was to ride full-tilt towards the edge of the falls, and have his rocket ‘chute deploy as he hit the rim, allowing him to drift to safety below and cement his status as World’s Awesomest Man.


The Aftermath: The trouble with big stunts is that they’re a collaborative effort. The sort of person who has the required amount of crazy to dream them up doesn’t necessarily have the technical knowhow to deal with the fine technical details that will make them work.
 Robert Overacker was the sort of man who thought in terms of jet-skis and rocket-packs, but he also appeared to be the sort of man who, when asked if he'd done his final checks, assumed "final check" was a synonym for "Jagerbombs."


The Aftermath: It’s worth noting for posterity that Overacker’s plan worked in a lot of ways. He successfully rode his jet-ski to the edge of the falls like a bat out of hell, and the rocket-chute successfully deployed.
What Overacker forgot to do was successfully attach the parachute to any part of himself.
Although his fate was as sad as it was predictable from that point onwards, it’s worth noting that Robert Overacker did something nobody else on the list managed: Left the world the most badass “final photo” in human history.






“Ffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-” –R. Overacker, 1995.