Intelligent Design.

Encouraged in Deep South schools, ignored in sporting gear.

 It's a very sporty year, this year.
 As I type this, England has just crashed out of another international tournament, and cynics like me have to pretend to be surprised or give a toss. (Hint to the irate gentleman with the tattoos and the rottweiler: England aren't a very good international team, it's why they haven't won any tournaments in fifty years.)
 With the European cup out of the way, it's just Wimbledon to go, and then on to the Olympics, my thoughts on which are a matter of public record.
 I'd bitch about it from my armchair, except it's a sporty year for me, too. (Also, who the fuck uses a computer from an armchair?!)
 I'm begrudgingly in training for an endurance race in November, and as such I'm running every day, lifting weights, drinking godawful concoctions with exciting names, and generally overdoing it.
 By the end of October, I intend to be able to run to the moon and back, and have arms the size of legs, and legs the size of... several... legs.
 Alright, I'm training my body, not my simile generating ability.
 Still, it would all be a lot more pleasant if the myriad companies that make sporting gear would cut us some slack and stop being shit.
 Today, I realised that the Adidas tracksuit bottoms I was wearing had zips around the ankles, but not on the pockets.
 I'm not saying Adidas uses sweatshop labour, but when their R&D guys are more worried about losing feet than pocket contents, you have to wonder what kind of working conditions are at play, here.
 Simillarly, it turns out that I own several pairs of running shoes that are less comfortable to run in than, say, a badger snare.
 It's the same with protein shakes. I can't speak for all flavours, but the chocolate ones taste like a Toblerone that's been retrieved from Tutankhamun's arse.
 The more I thought about the generally bad design of sports paraphernalia, the more I realised that nowhere else in technology is there such a gap between the designers and the intended users.
 There is a ludicrous amount of science put into workout equipment. The foam that Nike uses for it's running shoes, for example, is literally designed at the molecular level.
 Then it's worn by people who don't know what "molecular" means.
 There's a reason nobody asks athletes to design sporting gear from the ground up: They couldn't do it. They wouldn't be able to look at an item of sporting apparel and see where it could be improved.
 It's why nobody ever asked O.J. Simpson to try on gloves.
 Alright, fine, bad example.
 But the top-level athletes in the world just aren't technically minded; they're instinctive, physical people who, broadly speaking, can't elucidate the science behind fine design points.
 It's why nobody asks George Foreman to sell kitchen appli-
 ...
 Fuck it, look: If athletes were capable of designing sports gear, it would eliminate the need for eggheads to do it for them.
 As it is, the best sports equipment is extortionately priced, because it requires a team of specialists to get it to function properly.
 These same specialists don't, by and large, tend to be high-level athletes. It's all well and good when someone with a lab coat decides that an idea works, but it doesn't necessarily mean that the same idea will function in the real world.
 Like my tracksuit bottoms.
 Anybody who has ever run a long way, or hung by their ankles from a sit-up bench, or used a rowing machine, will be aware that anything in your pocket has a tendency to bounce out, be it mp3 players, change for a vending machine or, particularly irritating, the key to a locker.
 Clearly, whoever was in charge of the trouser department at Adidas* on the day my strides were invented had never done anything more strenuous than design trousers for Adidas.
 Designers aren't usually athletic, and athletes aren't usually gifted designers.
 All of which is fine.
 Really.
 I don't think there's any need for athletes to be intelligent. There's a great argument for paying them a lot less, but I don't need my athletes to be intelligent any more than I need clothing designers to be able to run marathons.
 It's just frustrating that, in this case, there isn't just a little bit more crossover. Because even the best equipment could be improved if the best users of it were inclined to think harder about the tools of their trade.


*Jesus, that sounded sexual...