An Apology.

 I'm currently trying to cut back on my drinking, which is playing hell with my sleep patterns, and I'm also in the process of setting up a bar, because the Gods love to toy with me. The result is that last night, after a long day on a building site and little sleep, I was very tired when I went to see American Hustle. I wanted to crawl into bed as soon as I got home, but I had a few thoughts about the film I didn't want to lose over the course of the night, so I stayed up and wrote a review.

 Reading it back, it was riddled with errors in spelling and punctuation (or "spunk" as we called it at my school, because tee hee, semen.) Also, most glaringly, I referred to actress Jennifer Lawrence as Jennifer Hudson. On reflection, I think this was because I was only aware of her from the Hunger Games movies, so I thought "Jennifer + Hu..." and a sort of mental auto-fill took over from there. They're obviously very different people.

I might have just saved this picture under "Ideal Celebrity Threesome."

 I've since gone back and fixed the review, but I'd like to apologise to Jennifers Hudson and Lawrence. I should also apologise to Jennifer Aniston, for objectifying her horribly while in high school. Ms. Aniston is more than just a sex symbol; she's a gifted act-... Well, she's a great comedi-.... Well, she's got an excellent hair cut and I shouldn't have had a bet with my mate when we were fourteen about who'd find a way to bang her first. (It was neither.)

 I'd also like to apologise to Jennifer Connelly, for having impure thoughts about her when I was about eleven after watching "Labyrinth."

Ideal celeb threesome circa 1999.

 I probably also owe an apology to Jennifer Eccles, for singing about her terrible freckles. In my defense, it was in a song my primary school guitar teacher made us learn, when all I really wanted to do was play Johnny B. Goode. I still can't.

 I apologise to Jennifer Ellison for not being entirely sure who she is, and suspecting she might be something to do with "Brookside", the gravest slander imaginable. I'd check, and learn something, but Wikipedia is all the way up there in another tab I have open. I probably owe at least some contrition to Jennifer Lopez for calling her a repugnant, fat-arsed diva who represents all that's wrong with the world. She is, but I should have more grace than to publicly state it like I just did above and will again, repeatedly.

 I'd like to apologise to T.E. Lawrence for not having read any of his work, and also to anyone who worked on "Lawrence of Arabia" for my description of it as "a film about some posh twat's unusually-eventful gap year." Sorry also to Lawrence Tierney for referring to him as "that bald cunt from Reservoir Dogs" and to Lawrence Bender for laughing at his name when I first saw it crop up in the credits to that film. And every time since. And just then when I typed it.

 Finally, my heartfelt apologies go out to the Hudson Bay Trading Company for delivering them, un-solicited, the skins of 27 freshly-clubbed seals (and a labrador I'd backed over with my car), in an attempt to make a quick buck. I was unaware that they no longer dealt in furs, and it proved traumatic for a checkout girl in Winnipeg. I also ask the forgiveness of anyone who lives or works on or near the Hudson river, and Bill Paxton, who played Hudson in "Aliens."

 Game Over, man. Game Over.



 (Despite my managnimity, Bruce Willis refuses to follow suit and apologise for "Hudson Hawk." Or for being an arsehole.)