I've dealt with heavy themes around here in the past, but I think it's time I really dealt with some of the big issues in the modern world.
Here goes.
There's a new Superman trailer out, and he's got a beard in it.
This is literally bothering me more than any of the world's other problems.
I'm not the first person to point this out, I won't be the last, but Superman cannot have a beard.
He can't.
He'd never be able to shave it.
This is a man - or, more accurately, a being - who can literally stop a nuclear warhead with his face. [Fun fact: If you Google "Superman nuked" in search of images, it asks if you actually wanted "Superman naked." I did not. Still, take it from me, Superman has been nuked a few times in comic history, and he deals with it pretty well.]
Bearing in mind that his whole body is able to shrug off nuclear missiles, there's no way you can damage his beard.
The last Superman film went to great, CGI pains to establish that even his eyeballs are bulletproof.
The only sensible thing to do to put a stop to this lunacy would be to have it mentioned, somewhere, that people from the planet Krypton don't grow facial hair.
That would clear this whole issue up nicely.
But it wouldn't be as fun as my solutions.
1. Just don't shave.
This would never work out, because it would blow the whole "secret identity" thing right out of the water.
It's obvious that people in Metropolis are, charitably, thick as fuck, because they're fooled by a pair of glasses, but it would still be obvious if Superman had a huge, Grizzly Adams beard down to his knees and the only other guy rocking that look was Clark Kent.
Even if this was somehow explained away, history would interject. Post 9/11, when the Jihadist look was really unpopular, a group of drunk bigots would have attacked the Osama-bearded Mr. Kent and quickly noticed that he was suspiciously immune to things like punches, blunt objects, guns, cannon fire and the like.
The only way I can see this plan even kind of working is with some sort of elaborate comb-over effect when in one persona or the other.
[Fun fact: I was initially searching for the above sort of image by trying to find pictures of that old kids' toy which consisted of a bald face, a magnet and some iron filings. Turns out the name of that toy was Woolly Willy, meaning that in the last ten minutes I've added "Superman Naked" and "Woolly Willy" to my search history. I'm probably looking quite interesting to the folks at Google right now.]
2. The Gillette 9000.
With the fad for adding more and more blades to razors, it's possible that Superman could be using some sort of enormous, washboard-sized appliance to trim his facial hair. He'd have to build it himself, or have one specially made under a pretense, and even then he'd probably wear it out with a single use.
Even then, it's doubtful. You could hit Superman in the face with a battle axe and he'd barely register it, so any kind of blade literally wouldn't cut it on this job.
3. Dark Side of the Moon.
Non-geeks might not be aware, but Superman is effectively solar-powered; his whole arsenal of abilities stems from the energy he absorbs from the radiation of Earth's yellow sun. (Planet Krypton had a red sun, which meant he was essentially a normal person there.)
Theoretically, Superman could be sleeping in a darkened chamber, or shaving on the dark side of the moon, where the lack of light would deplete his power.
This is also flawed, as he seems to have some sort of "battery" effect. His powers don't instantly vanish as soon as he's out of the light, and presumably he doesn't spend his mornings charging himself up, led out in the sun like a lizard on a rock or Donatella Versace.*
Therefore it would take several days of hiding in the dark before Superman became de-powered enough to shave, and that means he'd miss work, or not be around to stop whatever calamity is befalling the city of Metropolis this time. Also, he'd have to be in total darkness, as even a chink of sunlight would logically reset the whole process and he'd have to start over. I like to imagine that The Flash or Green Lantern come around and open the curtains just to fuck with him on these days.
Shaving in the dark would also mean that he'd always be missing a patch here and there, and would end up with a weird, irregular five o'clock shadow.
He could always leave the solar system, but as Einsteinian physics are still broadly in play, he can't travel at light-speed and thus it would take him several years to reach another star.
Also, he'd have no way of getting back once his powers were depleted, and being stranded billions of miles away in space seems like a bit of an arse-ache when all you wanted was to trim your beard.
4. Manual Labour.
Logically, the only thing that can really damage Superman is Superman, or a being of equal power.
So, he could just pull his own beard off every day.
This would be both painful and impractical; he'd have to spend hours every morning yanking his own beard out, which would mean he'd invariably turn up to work three hours late and bleeding heavily from the face. Aside from the fact that he'd be fired over his time-keeping, it would become farcically difficult to keep making excuses about why his cheeks and jaw are constantly covered in patches of raw, weeping agony. He'd probably not only lose his job but his apartment, too, as he would spend every morning shrieking and disturbing the neighbours.
Neighbours who came over to complained would, at least, be treated to the sight of a tearful, pained alien with half his beard pulled off answering the door, but this is little consolation when you're trying to sleep in.
5. Veet?
Shit, for all I know, that stuff has Kryptonite in it anyway...
*I am so, so fucking sorry for the unprepared who didn't get the reference and clicked that link...
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