Who Likes Short Shorts?!

 Children, apparently.

 Anybody who’s seen me out in public - and especially those who have seen me at home - will know that I’m not necessarily very in touch with the whole “fashion” scene.
 Nonetheless, some things are so obvious that even I notice them.
 So lately, I’ve been gratified to notice, tiny little hot pants are in.
 There’s a big part of me that’s really happy about this.
 Alright, it’s not that big a part, but at least I know how to use it.
 That part aside, my brain was starting to worry that the trend was getting a little ridiculous. Somewhere around this tipping point, the kids showed up and pushed it over the edge into the abyss of “downright scary.”
 I don’t know how teenage girls communicate with each other - if pushed, I'd say it’s a mix of giggling and “Twilight” sequels - but somehow, somewhere, all the teenage girls in the land have decided to join in the short-shorts revolution.
 At best it’s confusing and a little uncomfortable. At worst it’s horrifying.
 I have nothing against barely legal girls in very little clothing. A quick scan of my Google history will attest to that.
 But lately, there are girls wearing such tiny, tiny hot pants that I can see most of their buttocks. And this is creepy when the buttocks are attached to someone who doesn't remember the original Playstation.
 Normally, looking at a 16 year old’s ass in public leads to trouble. As a parent, you’d be well within your rights to storm over and ask if I was staring at your underage daughter, before attempting to punch me to death.
 Except that these days, I’d also be well within my rights to respond with “Yes, I was staring at your underage daughter, because she’s got her bum out.”
 In the last few days of people-watching, I’ve had several staunchly un-used opportunities to go over to a schoolgirl and say “Excuse me, I can quite clearly see both your arse cheeks.”
 This would be bad enough, but it’s equally prevalent in girls who aren’t even into double figures yet.
 It’s horrible. I have nothing against women who dress sexily, or even flaunt their bodies, but the key word is women. Some of these girls weren’t born at the time of 9/11 attacks, and they’re wearing outfits that quite literally show me their asses.
 These girls are so young they still think that puberty is a form of liberty given to church seats. I’ve had pubic hair since five years before they were born, and they’re dressing like forty year old hookers around me.
 I shouldn’t ever have to avert my eyes from blatantly accentuated nine-year-old camel toe, because that’s not a thing that should ever exist in the first place.
 (Is there a more diminutive form of camel toe?! Okapi toe? Alpaca Toe? Camel Toe Lights? Feel free to send your suggestions to answers@theworstfuckingquestionanyonehaseverasked.com. Winners will be notified in person, by the police.)
 In six or ten years, there is going to be an entire generation of fathers thinking to themselves “I don’t know why my daughter became a stripper,” to which the answer will be “it’s because of that time you dressed her as a stripper.”
 “That time,” in this instance, will mean “from the age of seven until she was found in a back alley getting ploughed by five sailors for the price of a bottle of Malibu.”
 I’m not, for the record, attempting any form of slut-shaming, here. But when girls I could comfortably have fathered are walking around in daylight wearing something that would force us to call Daisy Duke’s outfit “flowing” and “billowy,” something has clearly gone badly, badly wrong with society.
 Cover up, girls.