[Seriously, I need to work on these headlines...]
Women! Are YOU pregnant?!
No? You fucking will be if you read this!
That's right; according to the ever-reliable Daily Mail, smash-hit porn novel "Fifty Shades of Grey" is going to cause a baby boom in nine months, as the clumsy prose and stilted dialogue of E. L. James' humptacular spankathon turns formerly prim housewives into ravening whores, bulldozing their way across the sexual landscape on a tidal wave of horny estrogen!
Lock up your womenfolk! Ban your daughters from even going NEAR a bookshop! Burn your Kindles before it's too late! Arrgh! AAARRRRGH!!
...Or something like that, anyway.
I don't know where to start with this headline. First of all, the man who is predicting this enormous population spike is Professor Ellis Cashmore, who sounds like he's the protagonist in a ridiculous shag-book to begin with.
Professor Ellis Cashmore, who I'm forced to assume has steely eyes and a powerful jaw tapering to a dimpled chin, with hair the colour of an approaching storm at sea, apparently doesn't trust women (or men, but, realistically, women) to read books anymore than the prosecutors of the Chatterly Obscenity Trial did. It's too much for their fragile little minds to be able to read about two people fucking without leaping, legs akimbo and mouth afoam, onto the nearest tumescent object they can find.
"By the very nature of the subject matter I'm sure we can expect to see some couple's revisiting and reigniting ideas that may have lay dormant for some time in the bedroom," he said, handsomely, his warm, velvet tongue crushing the English language into submission like a naughty schoolgirl in need of stern discipline.
His interviewer, Eileen Overdesks, felt her throat tighten and her heart begin to race at the velvet boom of his voice, which is probably why she lost her grip on her apostrophes, and immediately afterwards, her knickers.
Seriously, even by the standards of the Daily Mail, a paper so astute and forward thinking that it managed to renounce all of it's ties with Hitler as early as nineteen-thirty-fucking-eight, this is drivel.
If sales of bad literature were responsible for any sort of real-world consequences, there would be nobody left to read this because we'd all have been murdered by anagrams in the Louvre in 2003.
In fact, given the propensity of the Mail for bandwagon jumping, racism, reactionary thinking and doom-mongering, why haven't they already called for Stephanie Meyers' head?! Surely, she's almost solely responsible for the number of teenage pregnancies these days?!
Come to that, Stephanie Meyer is probably responsible for the upsurge in vampire pregnancies, too, and that's going to be far more of an issue as soon as Tesco stops selling that garlic aftershave I've been wearing to bed.
Which they will, because the demand for all agricultural produce will skyrocket to feed the army of BDSM children that will be spawned in nine months time.
Repent! Repent! The end is nigh! Buy garlic aftershave while you can! If not to stop the vampire children, at least to keep your missus away from you after she reads a book where someone gets their arse slapped and loses control of her man-eating birth canal!
ARRRRGH!!
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