[Part 1 here]
House Painter Killed in Mafia Revenge Hit
Hoboken, New Jersey
Local interior decorator Karl Howman was found dead at his home last night in a suspected Mafia hit.
Allegedly, Mr. Howman had been approached by notorious local Mafioso Jimmy “The Lock” Bloccare, who had met Howman at a party and discreetly asked if he “painted houses.”
Mr. Howman, who was in fact only at the Mafia party to put up some wallpaper, replied that he was an excellent painter, at which point Bloccare gave him the name and address of a rival mobster.
Bloccare was then apparently incandescent with rage upon finding out that instead of executing the occupant of the house, Mr. Howman had actually just re-done his living room in a nice shade of lilac and charged him a reasonable price.
Keith Richards Goes On Detox, Experiences Time Travel
London, England
Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has expressed his shock and confusion after attaining complete sobriety for the first time since 1963.
A wide-eyed Richards was apparently stunned to learn that he had arrived in the year 2012 with no memory of the intervening five decades, and that “my bloody face looks like varnished gorilla scrotum.”
Although only initially sobering up “to see what would happen,” Keith was last seen sprinting towards a local Oddbins, followed by a slavering team of drug dogs. “Reality is all a bit baffling,” he was quoted as saying during his brief lucid period, adding with a mystified head-scratch: “Apparently, I’m in some sort of band…”
Chris Martin Fails to Fix People
London, England
Coldplay front man Chris Martin has drawn criticism recently for his obvious lack of medical skill.
Despite promising to “try to fix you” to literally millions of listeners, a recent shopping trip ended disastrously when Mr. Martin stood dumbly by whilst a fellow shopper suffered an aortic aneurysm.
“He just stood there,” complained one eyewitness. “He didn’t even attempt to perform open-heart surgery with a pocket knife or anything! And his kids have stupid fucking names.”
“We haven’t seen any sign of him yet,” said the equally miffed head of a Filipino leper colony. “We’re not asking for miracles; all we want is our leprosy cured, magically. He hasn’t even tried to try to fix me! And his music is a pile of dreary shite.”
A spokesman for Mr. Martin refused to comment on his client’s failure to make good on his promises, but did concede that his music is shit and his kids have stupid names.
More Trouble For Embattled Cricketer
Sydney, Australia
Fortune has once again frowned on Australian cricketer Ed Cowan, as further legal woes crowd the controversial sportsman.
Having been accused of stealing files on the Obama administration at the behest of top Republicans in the US, the resultant "Cowangate" scandal has seen the cricketer sued for copyright infringement by Cow & Gate, the baby food company.
The resulting scandal, "Cowan/Cow & Gate-Gate", as the case has now been re-labelled, is already being branded the trial of the century in Australia, where none other than Bill Gates has been called as a star witness because some of his private cows are used to make the baby food, leading some pundits to speculate on the possibility of a Gates' Cow/Cowan/Cow & Gate-Gate in the near future.
Suffixes Go On Strike
New York, New York
All suffix in the English Language have gone on strike, after that last story.
Suffix as entity hand in their petition sudden and without warn on Friday to the U.N. Headquart in New York, say they were “sick of all the fuck stupid portmanteau words being invent these days.”
The story is already trend on Twitt.
Hyphens and slashes are rumour to be consider join in a sympathy strike, make hyphens a catch-them-while-you-can/get-'em-while-they're-hot commod.
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