Jack? Shit...

[I've really tried not to go on and on about this, but I think I need to get it out of my system. This is the last I'll say on the subject, I swear.]


 The trailer for the new Jack Reacher movie is out.
 I'm boycotting, and so are a lot of fans. Reacher is a huge, blonde haired, muscular brawler. In the movie, he'll be played by Tom Cruise.
 Lee Child, the author whose work the movie is based on, has been nothing but supportive of Cruise playing his much-loved hero, despite the fact that it's painfully awful casting.
 I can only imagine that it has something to do with the Krusty the Klown defense; y'know, where he screams "It's not my fault! They drove up to my house with a dump truck full of money!"
 Still, it's sticking in my craw, and a lot of other peoples', too. (Is there a specific plural for craws? Someone look that up...)
 Lee Child doesn't need the money. He's already written fifteen best-sellers. He has a rabidly loyal fanbase and plenty of awards. He has, according to his book jackets, a residence in New York and one in the south of France.
 This isn't a guy living on the breadline.
 Simillarly, this isn't a case of Hollywood butchering source material. There are plenty of movies, even recently, that were almost nothing to do with the source material, and ultimately, all the authors can do is shrug. Or, if you're Alan Moore, scream and rant like an incensed hobo.
 Child hasn't done that. He's pretty much fallen over himself to give his blessings as many times as he can, calling Tom Cruise "the best actor of his generation."
 This means, in the eyes of the seemingly intelligent Mr. Child, Tom Cruise is a better actor than, say, Ralph Fiennes ("Schindler's List", "The English Patient") or Danny Huston ("21 Grams," "Children of Men") or Eddie Izzard (equally at home as a surrealist comedian, or a dead-eyed fascist dictator in "Day of the Triffids.")
 Of course, I'm using a narrow definition of "Generation," here. I'm just picking people who were born within 12 months of Cruise.*
 If I were to expand it, say, five years in either direction, we could look at Brad Pitt, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Kevin Spacey, Robert Downey Jr., or Don Cheadle.
 But no, none of those guys compares to the greatest actor of his generation, who is famous for sliding about in his pants and running a lot.
 Maybe I'm being harsh. Lee Child has pointed out that Cruise can play "intense" quite well, and that Jack Reacher is about brains and aggression, not just size. Cruise can embody key aspects of the character, so the rest doesn't matter.
 Alright; by that logic, Steve Coogan does a really good Stallone impression. But nobody's asking Alan Partridge to lead The Expendables.**
 For all his talk, I just can't escape the feeling that Child has sold out.
 He's sold himself out, and that's fine.
 But he's sold the character and the fans out, too.
 Jack Reacher wouldn't be impressed.


COMING SOON - Movies that Lee Child is okay with!

Gone with the Wind
 Spirited and beautiful young heiress Scarlett O'Hara (Bob Hoskins) must struggle with her feelings for the dashing and roguish Rhett Butler (Rick Moranis) against the backdrop of an American South devastated by the war with the slug people of Zivron Seven. (Rated X for a fifteen minute scene of chicken rape.) 

Blood Meridian
 Cormac McCarthy's violent western sees teenage runaway The Kid (Tommy Lee Jones) join with a brutal gang of scalp hunters in 1830s Texas. Over time, The Kid is drawn inexorably closer to the mysterious and terrifying figure of The Judge, a giant albino pederast who seems to be immortal. (Played here by Elmo from Sesame Street.)

Moby Dick
 Crippled by an immense white whale named Moby Dick, the aging madman Captain Ahab (both Olsen twins) swears revenge, gathering a motley crew to scour the oceans for his nemesis. Among them are the savage Polynesian harpooner Queequeg (Danny DeVito) and the traumatised orphan Pip (Grace Jones.)
 Special guest appearance by Stephen Hawking as the voice of Moby Dick!
 



*Also born within 12 months of Cruise? Adam Baldwin, who was my top pick for Reacher.
**Except me. I've just realised I would pay SO MUCH MONEY to see that film.