What L. Ron Would Have Wanted...

 The frustrating thing about being given free books is that there's virtually zero chance of them being books that you'd want. As a rule of thumb, if people want something, they exchange money for it, and that tends to have an impact on the quality of free shit.
 One of the sections of society that seems the most heavily involved with the "free book" idea is the section charitably referred to as "religious nutters." I'm sure somewhere I've still got a Bible that some religious nutters gave me in school. I didn't particularly want it, and neither did anyone else, although one enterprising class member did collect as many as he could from the people who were going to throw them out, and then attempt to sell them to churchgoers the following Sunday.
 (That's a true story; Gideons et al should take heed, or at least take the hint about how little we care for our free Bibles. And in case anyone was wondering about the New Testament, it's not very good and he dies at the end.)
 Anyway, this has all come on the tail end of much groaning and hand-wringing because, apparently, Scientologists are going to be giving out free copies of Scientology-related books at the Olympics.
 It would be a stretch to say anybody was aghast, or up in arms. Most peoples' attitude seems to be "Really? Hasn't Scientology as a concept managed to just... fuck off, yet?!"
 Well, off is where it has demonstrably failed to fuck, and so we're left with people being handed copies of "Dianetics: The Modern Science of the Mind" on their way to the stadium.
 And I'm all for it.
 Because I own a copy of Dianetics, and it's fucking awful.
 I'll never forget the elation I felt when I saw a copy for sale, second hand, outside a Maltese pub a few years back. Here was my chance to read this hilarious shitpile, without giving Scientology money!
 I managed, I think, about four pages.
 Putting that in perspective, I've read Moby Dick.
 Moby Dick is like trying to read a phone book in bullet time, but I forced myself to do it. In fairness, the story is pretty good, but it's buried under about 200 extraneous pages of instructions about proper whaling techniques and long passages of the "what Herman Mellville reckons" variety.
 Still, I forced myself to read that fucking thing in an attempt to better myself (it didn't work) and I still couldn't manage more than the first few pages of "Dianetics."
 Unsurprisingly, given that it was written by a delusional con-man with a God complex, it's incredibly patronising. Every* other word has** a footnote*** to explain what it means, in case you're not good with big words. It's a fair assumption, because reading this book usually means you're stupid enough to have bought it in the first place, but there's something uniquely galling about L. Ron Hubbard, a man who once (as I've stressed before) bombed Mexico accidentally, assuming I don't know what "Crepuscule" means.
 By extension, it paints a worrying portrait of Scientologists in general. (Not as bad a portrait as the extortion, kidnapping, stalking and medical negligence they're already known for, but hey...)
 People who thought this book was the work of a visionary genius should probably be left to their little cult, as it's a good way of knowing where they all are. Personally, I wouldn't want to risk some of them escaping into the world and having their minds blown by some better literature, like "See Spot Run" or the back of a tube of hemorrhoid cream. Before we knew it, we'd have myriad new religions springing up, worshiping Spot, Nancy Drew, or Anusol.
 Still, for the rest of us, I'm actually all for a free copy of Dianetics. I think it's a great idea; not only does it cost these idiots money, it will also let everyone know how outright ridiculous their ideas are.
 They'll be out a few million, we'll all have a good laugh, and nobody will be short on toilet paper for a week or two.
 Then maybe we can convince some of their more famous members that it's actually not a big deal to be gay these days...

*Each, individual
**Posesses, is attached to, owns
***One of those little explanatory passages at the bottom of the page